Jokes...only the appropriate and PG rated please

[homeschooling_momma]

Ole & Lena

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?" "Yaaah I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[homeschooling_momma]

A father walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter, he starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the
newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's shoulders and starts to squeeze, gently at
first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seatin the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor?"

No," the woman replies, "I work for the IRS."

[debbie18]

ha, ha ,ha. So funny.

[homeschooling_momma]

:)

YA GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the
morning
by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the
morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking
for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is
pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember,
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two
guys
helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out
into
the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk
:eek:

[crunchies0313]

lol! Thats funny!!

[homeschooling_momma]

:p A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural West Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the
other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a
duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in West Texas. We settle small disagreements like this
with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule ?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back
and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.

The old farmer S l o w l y climbed down from the tractor and walked up
to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, now it's my
turn."

[I love this part...]

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

AIN'T REAL TEXANS COOL!!

[homeschooling_momma]

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes
that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So
he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a
Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:

Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95
Volleyball Barbie: $19.95
Shopping Barbie: $19.95
Surfer Barbie: $19.95
Disco Barbie: $19.95
and
DivorcedBarbie: $299.95

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the
other Barbies are $19.95?"


Exasperated, the girl responds:

"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with :

Ken's car
Ken's house
Ken's boat

Ken's furniture
Ken's jewelry
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend..."

[GirlyGirl]

I like this one!

[homeschooling_momma]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb, and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments, everything was silent in the cab, and then
the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights
out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is
my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last
25 years!"

[homeschooling_momma]

The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.



---

[homeschooling_momma]

Package

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a
moody public. So when one irate customer stormed
my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's
the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I
came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to
deliver a package but no one was home. My husband
was in all morning. He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this
for ages."
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."

[Dlw0420]

:rofl: LOL I love that one. Too funny!!!! :rofl:

[Dlw0420]

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will".