Marriage Falling Apart

[Sara]

First off, this is going to be long, so bear with me, please. I am going to have to give you some background in order to explain the entire situation.

My husband and I have been married for 6 1/2 years. I am 25, he is 32. I have a lot of health problems, which cause me chronic pain, but I cope with it, and always have. I am a very intimate, sexual and emotional person. He used to be a very sensitive and emotional person. Our sex life has always been very.. barren, I suppose you would say. Once every six weeks to two months, generally. I used to talk to him about it all of the time. I tried lingerie, candles, books, dirty notes. dirty talk, propositioning him, you name it. Finally, I couldn't take the rejections anymore. I was convinced it was my fault. Eventually, I went to therapy, and through a lot of hard work, came to realize that it wasn't my fault. I managed to get him to sit down and talk to me. He just isn't a 'sexual' person. I decided that I could live with that, as long as he could show me some affection, holding hands, hugging, an arm around me now and then, things like that. Well, he will do that for a few weeks, then stop. Anyway, I got used to that, I dealt with it for 6 years. Then, my non-sexual husband, in January, went out of town for a job interview. While he was out of town, I got a call from our credit card company that there was suspicious activity and that they needed to verify that it wasn't fraud. He maxed out our credit card, and spent a third of our savings account on a stripper! Apparently, my husband, who can't even talk to me about sex, spent over three hours with a naked woman recieving lap dances, and drinking champagne (which he hates!). Since then, I have been so depressed. We barely speak, and everytime I look at him I think about what he did and just get so ANGRY! I originally asked him to leave, but I told him that I wanted to work through it, because we have two kids. I don't know how to move past it though. I asked him why he did it, and he tells me "I was drunk". That's not an excuse, and not the reason. I need HELP. I love my husband, and want to get over this, but I don't know what I am supposed to do in order to get over it. Any suggestions?

[charliemae]

Sara, I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. I would suggest counseling if there is any hope of saving your marriage. A good counselor should be able to get to the root of his problem. They might see you and him separately at first, and then as a couple. Does he want to save the marriage? I believe that you have to try this first. If not, I just don't know. I do know that I would want to strangle my husband if I ever found out he was doing that. Not only did he cheat on you, but he's in debt and it's not because he got that way from supporting you and your children. He's caused you a hurt that will be with you for a long time. If he doesn't want to go to a conselor, maybe you should go without him. At least that will help you with your grief. You are so young to be carrying such a large burden by yourself. Please keep us posted as to how you are doing. You don't have to indulge any information that you don't want to, but I care and would like to know that things are going to work out. It may take awhile, but it could be worth it if it will save your marriage.

[crunchies0313]

Would he see a counselor?? I just don't get it. I mean I could see him doing the stripper thing if you didnt want sex, but its not that way. I have a question. Did your sex life change after having kids? Your body different now?? Are you really different now?? There is a reason he did this, and drunk is not it. I wish I could help. I am very sorry!!! I think you did so well though by getting help yourself...maybe do that again liek Charliemae recommended. Let us know how it works out!!!

[Mykhal Jaems]

I worked with a woman whose DH wasn't very affectionate. Fine w/ sex itself but no foreplay, cuddling, hand holding or EVEN KISSING. It was fine at the beginning but he said he decided that "it wasn't him" to show affection in that way. It was strange!

[Sara]

Thank you for the replies, and the words of support. I will try to answer some of the questions posed. One of our children is mine from a previous relationship. Our sex life changed before I had our daughter, it changed before the 'newlywed' stage was even over. My body has changed, and so has his, but this problem started way before the changes in either of our bodies. I have had a hysterectomy recently, but I don't think that has anything to do with this, since he was all for that surgery.
I have been in counseling for several years. About two years ago, I finally made him realize that the problem wasn't just affecting him, it was affecting me, and because I wasn't happy, and he wasn't, that it affected our kids as well. When I suggested that we go to counseling, he told me that he needed individual counseling before we could go to marriage counseling. He found a counselor, and went to three appointments. Three. Then he quit going. He told me that he had some things to work out on his own before the counselor could help him anymore, some 'anger issues'. My therapist tells me that around the third or fourth visit is when you really start delving into the past and finding out what is really going on. Basically, I think that he wimped out, and wasn't ready.
He says that he wants to work things out and save the marriage. He doesn't really do anything to work it out, though. Right after he told me this, he took me out to a nice dinner and a movie. Once in a blue moon, he will walk up and hug me, for no reason. Other than that, he's just here. I mean, we have conversations, and take care of the kids, and I cook dinner, and he cleans up from it. We discuss the finances, and we go out to dinner with his friend. All the stuff that we did before it happened, but it feels empty. We sleep in the same bed, but we don't touch. We don't go to bed at the same time, or get up at the same time.
One problem is that he wants to completely ignore that it happened. I need answers before I can get over this and move on. I want to know the real reason why he did this. It screams to me that he wanted it brought to my attention. If not, he could have done it with cash, and I would never have known what the money was spent on.
Another problem is that because of this whole thing, my sexual attraction to him has been affected. I can't stand the thought of him touching me in that way, even though I still have all of the drive and desire that I had before. It's like he is tainted. I still love him, there is no doubt about that, but I think I put up a wall between us when I found out about this. Now, I have to figure out how to tear it back down.

[charliemae]

Sara, it sounds like you've tried everything that you can possibly do. I think I would have built a wall between us, too, if I were you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Hope]

Sara, it takes two people to tear down a wall that is between you. You can't do it by yourself. The recommendation for counseling is an excellent one. Perhaps a therapist can help both of you identify issues, and learn how to resolve them. But Sara, it takes two to work on saving a marriage.

[spin462002]

Dear Sara, he betrayed your trust and being drunk is no excuse. He has made the decision to damage and possibly destroy your relationship, which sounds like it was on rocky ground anyway.
It is not your fault, but the ball is in your court now. Can you ever trust him again? Do you want to? What do you want?
Taking responsibility is never easy but there may be more peace for you to take control and make up your mind what you want. Without trust, you have nothing.

Five months ago I found out my husband had betrayed me and was not ashamed of his actions. When I confronted him he accused me of meeting men in secret, something I would never consider and he knew it. he was trying to cover his own muddy tracks. I knew I could never trust him again and I asked him to move out. He did go, and I was wracked with guilt and shame at ending my marriage of three and a half years. I felt ashamed even though he tore our marriage to pieces and had total disregard and disrespect for me. I cried and felt terrible for a week or so and then I realised my children needed me to be strong. I had done the right thing. That was five months ago and he has commenced legal action to get me to pay him a lot of money he says I owe him. It is all lies. Now I have had to borrow money to defend myself. It is all very ugly but only serves to convince me I did the right thing, and maybe should have done it even sooner.

he was not the man I thought he was, I deluded myself about him and made excuses for him. I was codependent with him and thought I needed him to make me a worthwhile person. Now I know that is a lie.

Sara, you have been a good wife and mother. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. If you can forgive him and give him another chance, do it. If not, move on and have no regrets. he made the decision for you that fateful night, and nothing you could do can change that. he is an adult and he needs to accept responsibility and not make excuses.

Sara, you are stronger than you think and I encourage you to live in reality and be strong. You deserve to be happy and loved and respected. Teach your children what a healthy relationship is all about, or be happily single. They are watching and listening carefully. Do what is best for them.

My daughters and I have become even closer since I git rid of my husband. They are glad he is gone. I have begun attending
Coda meetings to get to the bottom of my codependence issues. It is a huge help to me. I don't want to make this mistake again!(choosing a man with a history of disrespecting women and thinking I can change him)

take care, you will make it and be even stronger for it
hugs
Lynn

[blondgrl]

Oh ((Sara)),
I first, want to say that I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this situation. I think you were wise to attend counseling to have someone to express the way things were hurting you all along. But, it just seems to me (only my 2 cents) that he is not dealing with what happened and wants to go on like nothing ever transpired, but you cannot. I don't blame you for that, as I would also have a VERY difficult time letting that kind of breech of trust go without really dealing with the issues at hand. I caught in the earlier posts that you mentioned he had some "anger" issues. Do you think some of his lack of affection and intimacy may stem from this? Have you spoken to a therapist recently about this? I believe that you do have reason to have some doubts and concerns here. In a relationship, it takes two people to make it. Both parties must be willing to go that extra mile for any relationship to succeed. It seems you are trying to do this all on your own right now. Maybe, a good therapist could assist you in dealing with this and putting all the little pieces together, as things are not always as simple as they seem. I really wish you the best. I just worry that you will get the emotional support you need at this time. Please keep us posted. Cyber Hugs.

[homeschooling_momma]

oh, this is so sad......

the problem is your hubbys problem for sure. You didnt force him to do those things, or force him to 'look outside the marriage' to get stimulation.

I firmly believe in marriage, and I have seen/heard of marriages going thru this, and much more & the Lord healing these marriages.

Theres nothing that the Lord cant do. Lean upon Him for your understanding.....The Lord can heal this marriage.

God bless you,
Kimmie

[Sara]

Just wanted to say thank you for all of the replies and the words of support that you gals have given me. Still planning on trying to work through this. I did have another talk with not quite so DH and things have been a little better since. Not sure how long that will last. Waiting for an appointment to open up for me with my therapist.

[Mustang30]

(((((Sara)))))):

First, I want to send you :hug: and :comfort:

I just read through the last 10 posts. I am so sorry that you and your children have had to go through this. I think it is wonderful that you are seeking counseling and are talking about this situation with a professional.

I have to ask, though, is this really a marriage that you want to save? A man who has no concern for your intimacy and sexual needs and then goes and spends a 1/3 of your savings and maxes out a credit card on one night of stupid pleasure seems questionable. You should consider if this is a "one" time thing. Has he ever cheated in the past? Has he shown no interest in a sexual relationship with you b/c he is getting it elsewhere? And if so, what about spreading venerial (sp?) disease? Is this behavior something that you want your children exposed to? Is this the type of person you want to grow old with and spend the rest of your life with? Can he make you happy? Can he truly change his ways?

Based on what I have read so far, *you* seem to be the only one who truly wants to save your marriage. Your husband seems like he is just along for the ride and doesn't really exhibit the same attitudes and commitment that you do for your marriage and your family.

I think that this is really sad b/c you seem like you have tried to be a good wife to him. You seem like you want a healthy relationship and marriage with him. You seem like you want everything to work out between you and him for your sake and that of your children. You are going to therapy and trying to sort out your personal conflicts and find some closure to some issues.

In my opinion (this is *only* an opinion), unless your husband truly shows that he is worthy of being married to you, not the other way around, then I think that trying to save this marriage is a lost cause. I think that to continue trying to work on something by yourself and not realizing that right now it is a one way street will only result in heartache and more therapy.

And your children? How will they benefit if you stay with him or leave?

I am not trying to hurt your feelings or say anything that is mean or unkind. But you seem like such a kind person and a caring person that it makes me sad to think of you wasting your emotional time and energy on a man who is incapable or unwilling to return the same respect and commitment to you that you have to him.

Whatever you decide, I truly wish you the best. I hope your family and you find the happiness and peace that you all deserve.

Sincerely,
Mustang30

[Lady_B_smiles]

:grouphug:

Beth

[Autumn Moon]

Sara,
I so totally agree with Janai. You have to sit back and realize that he doesn't deserve you.
He broke your trust. He spent 'your' money. He maxed out the credit card. He doesn't want to work on the marriage.
It sounds like he wants it to be just like before...pretend it didn't happen.
He isn't willing to get help through counselling. He won't even see a private counsellor.

It's time to make your pro/con list and be brutally honest with yourself.

Hugs to you and your kids
Autumn

[JoRaeMi]

Sara,
What a diffiult time this must be for you! I think I would insist that he begin seeing a counselor again and keep seeing the counselor until the issue is resolved - not three visits and then tackling it on his own. Clearly that plan didn't work for him!

There's obviously something in his past that is very scary for him to deal with. Try and be patient. I wasn't clear on whether he just had lap dances with this girl or if he actually had sex with her? It's a betrayal eith er way, but would affect my decisions about the relatiopnship if it was me.

Keep us posted darling - you are doing your best!
Jo