How to handle non-working husband

[mezzo soprano]

I have to admit I'm dealing with some resentment because my husband does not work at all outside the home. I work full-time. We do not need a second income, so that's not an issue.

He is fond of saying, "Well, if it were the other way around, no one would think anything of it." Well, fine, but if things were the other way around (and I didn't work), the following would also be true: a) our son would be home with me (he's in daycare now), b) the house would be spotless all the time (we currently have a housecleaner come in once a week), c) dinner would be on the table the moment he came in the door (I do all cooking), on and on and on.

I feel as though I'm over-contributing in the relationship and I need some resources that I can use to help deal with it a little better. It's not that I'm over-worked, because lots of single moms do this all the time; it's just that I'm NOT a single mom and I need help getting rid of my bad attitude because things aren't going to change any time soon!

[Kate]

First off, I think you need your own "MJDBank" day! Spend time on your self. Like possibly head to a spa and get a massage, facial, pedicure, etc. Something for you. :) Maybe eat your favorite meal. But do something for you!

Second, have you sat down and discussed this with your husband? While I am no expert in relationships, I think communication is the key. Maybe he needs help with figuring out what to do around the house during the day. Like a honey-do list. Have you expressed it to him your need for him to do things around the house, things that you would do if you stayed home? Even though y'all do not need a second income, is there a reason why he stays home during the day? If not, then maybe he can get a job?

I really don't have expert advice, but please talk with him and please take a day for yourself. That will help.

[Kathy]

I can identify with much of your post, MJ.

Our culture (and the way I was brought up) builds into us the expectation of the man being the provider and the protector. For me, when the man doesn't handle those jobs (even if I'm providing too) the resentment begins to build. This leads to lack of respect...because quite frankly I can respect a man who works. And do not respect a man who doesn't.

Perhaps you feel as though your marriage provides few benefits. I'm curious. If he isn't working, what does he do with his time?

One of the things I can encourage for you is to read the books called Boundaries by Dr. John Townsend. He has written several books on the topic of Boundaries and I'm unsure which might be the most help.

[Carmen]

Is he retired? Does he have a disability? What is the reason he is not employed?

[txgurl]

I have a friend who has a husband who is not working either, and she works, but he does grocery shop and cook, and does some things around the house, this does help.

Would it help you feel better if he would do some of the things you are not able to do while you are at work? You might have a "honey do list" .
Maybe he could spend a day of two of quality time with DS on a outing or field trip somewhere. This would be nice bonding time for dad and son a day or two a week. They do grow up so fast(sigh).

It might be time to sit down and talk what you are feeling and what might help.

:chocolate

[YellowRoseTex]

I think you should sit down and have an open discussion with your husband. Perhaps something is going on with him that you are not aware of. It may bother him that you are the major breadwinner. At one time in our relationship, I made more money than dh did, while he didn't say anything, I could tell that it really bothered him. The traditional roles were reversed. We discussed it and once we aired everything out we were okay.

[mezzo soprano]

Thanks for all your responses! No, DH is not disabled. He quit working in 1998 or so to pursue a degree in accounting, but by the time he graduated, I was pregnant with ds (now 5) and he was going to stay home with him. Well, that lasted about two weeks after my maternity leave ended... But he never went back to work.

It's not a problem financially at all -- we don't need the income, and I am glad that I don't have to be home when things are delivered or when work is being done on the house.

I will take a look for some other resources to help me deal with this. In the meantime, I think I'm going to ask him to be responsible for two meals a week during the workweek. For me, it's a huge thing to come home after a busy day at work and then have to cook supper right away!

Thanks again.

[Carmen]

I think I'm going to ask him to be responsible for two meals a week during the workweek.

I think that sounds like a good place to start! :thumbsup: Even if he doesn't know how to cook, and is not interested in learning how, he could always get a take-and-bake pizza and get that in the oven, or pick up a deli-roasted chicken and a couple of side items, and have the table set and food ready to eat when you arrive home.

Best Wishes,

[wingriderprincess]

My brother- in - law is a stay at home parent and I have to admit, I found it odd at first. He does take care of the kids and can clean like crazy. He stepped up to the plate in a really big way so I feel bad for ever wondering why he would do such a thing. I agree with Kathy, our culture does have a double standard.
I'm wondering (because I am like this), does your DH find it hard to change? Is job hunting a scary prospect for him after being out of the work force for so long? Ya know, "it's a jungle out there".

[Canadian Girl]

Through no choice of his own, back in the 1990's, my DH ended being a stay-at-home-dad: he got layed-off and, being in a very specialized field (museum technician), it was a long time before he could find a full-time job (in another museum, just when he'd given up on ever finding such a job again).

In our case, the lost income was the hardest to handle: not only were we missing his income, but the situation economic situation was such that I was missing out on lots of overtime money. He has always been great around the house, is not only a good cook but actually chef-quality and not afraid of doing his share around the home. And his staying home translated into unbelievable bonding with our then toddler son. Later on, he also formed the same bonds with our baby daughter.

I think that it's important, for both your sakes, that you sit down, calmly, and insist that he needs to do his share, either by being the stay-at-home-dad he professed to be and by taking responsibility for at least part of the housework or by going back to work. In the end, not only will it take away some of the burden, it will also boost his self-esteem.

[Beachgirl]

Your resentment is really quite natural and you should not only listen to it but think about what you do WANT.

Are you two talking about this? Lots of little conversations or a this is what I need you to do conversation.

If he's not working what is he doing? Is he following a dream... to write a novel, start a business? If he is he is very lucky that you are supporting him, if he is not then he needs to support the family and that means what ever it is you decide it means.

If you are having trouble figuring it out, get some help, counseling or spiritual advisor, but someone who can help you separate the emotions from what you want, and help you to take the steps to get it.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Telseng]

My husband is a SAHD, which was something he had to get used to. The only thing that gets me is that he needs his own business or something. Since he has stopped working my friends have become his, he is always in my business at work and home asks me 101 questions, etc. It can become frustrating at times, but I have to keep reminding myself that he is home all day with the baby and doesn't get out like he used too.

[Telseng]

My husband is a SAHD, which was something he had to get used to. The only thing that gets me is that he needs his own business or something. Since he has stopped working my friends have become his, he is always in my business at work and home asks me 101 questions, etc. It can become frustrating at times, but I have to keep reminding myself that he is home all day with the baby and doesn't get out like he used too.[/QUOTE]

[Docklady]

My daughter had the same problem for 5 yrs. except that they had to live with his parents because the bum chose not to work. He hardly ever helped with the kids( 2boys) the housework,laundry Etc........ He only set and home and played games all day.It was a real nightmare for her.She finally divorced him in Dec. Hes still a bum she hasnt gotten a dime of child support and he lives about 4 hrs away and he thinks she should meet him halfway to pick up the boys because his parents dont have the money to drive that far! She is only working for minimum wages part time.Hope you get a handle on your situation. No man has that excuse to treet you that way. My husband is disabled and he keeps house,does meals and laundry.