Need some teenager advice. PLEASE!!!

[geniann]

I know that teens don't come with manuals ( oh how I wish) but I was just hoping that maybe some of you lovely ladies would have some experience to pass along. I have a 13 year old daughter. Overall she is not too bad but lately she has become very spoiled. I know it is all my fault, but I just want her to have the things I didn't( yeah another one of those moms!). Anyway, she gets just about everything she wants. Lately, she has become very unappreciative. Like nothing is enough. I send her an email and told her to remove her photo and town from her MYspace account.I also informed her that I am installing a program on her computer that would allow me to more closely monitor her. She was furious- saying that I don't trust her and that I don't know what it is like to be a teen. I told her I worry about her and want her to be safe. Then yesterday she asked to go to a boys house for an hour to play video games and I said no. I told her she is too young to go to a boys house. She was so mad. She acts like I do things just to be mean. She has a smart mouth and I do punish her. I want to be more stern but I can't. Any advice would be appreciated- :sillycat:

[zoyajoy]

Oh Geni! Been there...done that! Aren't they fun at 13? I have a very headstrong daughter myself...she is now 23.

Kids love to play the "you don't trust me" card. Just say "Yep, that's right...I was your age, too!"

Be strong mom...it will pay off in the end.
Our daughter was not allowed to even get phone calls from boys at age 13, let alone go to one's home! Her first "alone date" was a month before her 16th birthday. (we relented from the waiting till the 16th birthday because we liked the boy, and she had shown she was trustworthy by then).

Our daughter spent most of her 7th grade year grounded, because of her mouth. I felt inside, that we were maybe being too strict...but I never let on to her. Try to find other mothers with daughters the same age...I bet they are having the same troubles.

Just so you know...my daughter dated, at least, 9 boys, went to college, graduated, and married the "right one." She and I both survived the teenage years...she now comes to me with her problems, for advice.

Hang in there...this will pass!
:eek: zoyajoy

[charliemae]

I don't envy you at all, Geniann. She should be glad that you let her have an account because a person is supposed to be 14 or older to get on myspace. There are so many crazy people out there, and they pretend to be the same age as most of the kids, but they are really predators who will prey on an innocent child. They can be soooo convincing, too. Just a few months ago, in my state, two teenage girls (age 13 and 14) were picked up by some guys in their 20's. They had met them on MySpace, and arranged to meet them without their parents' knowledge. The police stopped the car and arrested the men, and took the girls into custody. All of 4 of them were smoking pot, and drinking liquor. All the time, their parents had thought that they were safe at home, asleep. These girls also had consentual sex with these guys. So, yes, you should monitor where she goes on the computer. If she's not doing anything wrong, then she shouldn't mind. I do believe that you can get a computer expert to lock out any sites that are not appropriate for children, and you can even have something installed that will let you know where she's been online, the time, and the date. I pray that you are able to make her understand just why you object to some of the things that she wants to do.

[gemsab]

Sweetie, Children need and crave boundaries no matter what they say. I agree with charliemae. Just be firm and let your DD know that it is not her that you don't trust but others who have ruined it for innocent kids. Someday she will thank-you for being a good and cautious mom. But for now, hang in there and yes, it does get better!

Emily :hug: s

[Free2BMe]

Oh I feel your pain. I have to boys (12 and 14 next month). I was like you and wanted them to have everything I didn't. I didn't go overboard, but they really don't want for much. It's hard to undo what we've done (spoiling them) after so many years. My 14 year old has a horrible attitude and mouth. He tells me to shut up and he swears horriblly. I'm divorced and he's bigger than me so some stuff he gets away with (because I can't force him to his room when I do try to discipline him). He can be sweet as pie one minute and an absolute terror the next.

I am thankful he doesn't go running the road much with friends... only occassionally and he does come home on time. I highly doubt he's drinking or drugging so for that I feel blessed.

Like the others said, just be firm and consistent. I try to pick my battles with my sons.

Best wishes!

[royallady]

My DD just turned 18 and the insanity has now stoped or at least lessened. But I do not miss the rolling eyes the heavy sighs the vacant look in the eyes when talking to them... And if I never hear "whatever" again in my life i will be a happy mom.

Our jobs as parents are to ensure they are safe and teach them to make the right decisions in life. We do that by setting boundries and being the bad guy.

There job as teenagers are to make our lives a livin hell.

But if you stay strong and stick to what you say all will work out in the end trust me...

My favorite sayin to my daughter when growing up was "baby i love you to peices, I just do not like the way you are acting right now"

hope this helped a bit

[Laurasc]

She acts like I do things just to be mean.

I have two boys aged 16 and 14. You know what I finally figured out? If in certain things (like the one you're dealing with now) your teen isn't mad at you, then you need to start worrying.

Teens are children who want nothing more than to be adults. They have a lot of adult drives yet none of the knowldege, experience and common sense. And let's face it, when it comes to common sense, some teens are a few sandwiches short of a full picnic.

Stand your ground when it comes to your teen but pick your battles carefully. (some things are just not worth fighting about) I have, it's been tough but I'm glad I did...and still am. (why do you think I colour my hair...those grays are not all due to age you know. :rolleyes: ) Believe me when I tell you that you won't regret it.

Hang in there! This too shall pass.

:)

[ladyjunebug]

You mean to tell me it gets worse before it gets better. I have two step daughters one is 23 and grown with family of her own and the other will be 17 in a few months and she lives with her mom. My girls God love them are 11 and soon to be 6. the 11 year old hit prepuberty bout 1 1/2 years ago and I have been pulling my hair out because it seems like everytime I say something to her it is a fight
pick up your clothes clean your room pick up your bathroom
the looks I get you would have thought I had asked her to cut off one of her arms or something. the eye rolling makes me want to smack the crap out of her. She has not been grounded in a few weeks but she is slowly working her way back to it. It seems like she is always grounded. I pick my battles but somethings. I wish that she would understand I am not trying to be a tyrant I just want her to
be responsible for her things. My mother says consistancey. I am consistant but I just want to run screaming from the room because she makes me crazy.

[blondgrl]

Hey there,
Well....I think possibly the reason you may be seeing some increased behaviors towards you might be that you are seeing the need for limits & some rules & you are trying to begin setting these for her. It is natural for a kid her age to try to push limits & try to express her independence. I think you are very smart in regards to having her removing her town & any identifying photos from her myspace profile or any other profile. Kids just don't realize how dangerous that can be. With the cyber age, people out there are not all friends even if they appear to be. I'd also make sure that the computer is in a well traveled place such as in the den or some other family area vs. in the child's room. If you could...try to find opportunities to develop your relationship with her...as things are changing & she is growing up...sometimes kids will act like they don't want to go out & do things with their parent, but they really do enjoy it & really need it especially at her age. I have a feeling that she may be really angry at you when you change your approach towards her, but it is helpful to verbalize to kids what you are thinking & your involving her, even have them to help you come up with the household rules & consequences for breaking the rules. That way, she'll know up front what to expect & she has had a part in it...thus when / if she breaks a rule, you can remind her of the family meeting when you all decided the rules & the consequences that she has earned. I know you are going thru some really tough times with her right now....but yes, sometimes situations like this do get worse before they get MUCH better....hang in there & remember that you've been there for her & she'll get thru all of this & you will too!!! Hang in there & reach out if you need help b/c you are not the first & won't be the last to go thru this with a teen. Sending tons of cyber hugs of support!!!!!

[LuvMaui]

My Girls are now 27 & 28. I was strick and they both turned out awesome!!! We have extremely close Mom & Daughter Friendship.

Now more than ever.....BE A MOM, NOT A FRIEND. You can be her friend later when she grows up.

Don't let it make you feel bad when she's mad at you. Just be STRONG and CONSISTANT.

DON'T ARGUE WITH HER.. It will turn into a habit and hurt your relationship. Just lay down the law and go about your business, if she wants to discuss it, just calmly say, I'm sorry, but the subject is closed.

Stick with what you KNOW IS THE RIGHT THING.

It sounds like you're doing a FANTASTIC job... Stay strong!!!

[celtictigeress]

Here's a fomrer probation officer's opinion on this issue:

Kids need boundaries. I know it's hard to put them in place, especially if you didn't have a great childhood yourself and you remember the pain you went through, but in the end the kids will be happier for them because they'll have the certainty with their parents that the outside world doesn't give them. I can't tell you how many times a "good" kid acted out because he/she needed a parent to step in and say, "This is what you can do and this is what you cannot."

Remember how confusing everything was at 13-14-15? How nothing made sense anymore, how you weren't a kid but weren't an adult either, how you were discovering things about your body that were not only weird and unnerving but didn't make any sense at all? Now, add to that free reign at home and nobody -- nobody at all -- around to tell you what's a good idea and really stupid in the big scary world beyond your front door. Remember how you longed for someone to clear all that up for you? That's what parents have to do!

It isn't easy to start clamping down when you've let your kids have too much freedom. You'll hear the traditional "I hate you!" and "You don't understand me!" more times than you can count. But hold on and don't give up. No matter how much you think so, your kids don't mean that. You'll go through a battle royale for a while but in the end your kids will realize that they actually don't know everything and that Mom isn't a complete moron. Be honest too -- admit that in the past you haven't made the best choices about some issues involving your children but that from now on you're going to work on this. Invite their input (once the floods of tears and tantrums stop). You'd be surprised how far a parental admission of fallibility will go in making your children respect you.

Just my experience from 6 years in the juvenile justice system.

[WideEyeImages]

I have three children - two will be 21 this year (instant twins- add marriage license - my husband and I had 2 year olds when we got married - there are 6 months between them - then we had one together - he'll be 16 in a couple of months).

I hate to be the bearer of bad news (or news you already know, just don't want to admit) -- it gets much worse before it gets better. At 13 your daughter is probably in 7th or 8th grade. My two older kids went bonkers in their sophomore year, we call it 'hell' year - if your kids comes through that year as a human, the next two in High School are not too bad, if he/she does not - the next two years will just get worse.

We had one come through the sophomore year as a little more mature and enjoyable -- she is now finishing up her sophomore in college and is doing well. Our other one went the other way, we did not know if he would graduate high school until three days before graduation. he moved out the week of graduation and had his first DUI with in a month of that. - he will turn 21 at the end of June - we've only talked to him 4 times since he moved out of our house (christmas and his birthday each year - to pick up cards from his grandparents). He wants nothing to do with us at this time. We decided to let him have his space and let him decide what he wants to do with his life. It's not easy...

Our youngest will be a sophomore next year. We are hoping that he has learned from watching the older two and we wont have the problems with him. We'll see. Right now he's a joy to have around - and he is quite spoiled. He pretty much gets what he wants. For christmas last year he got a cruise in the carribean (with us) and a Wii with games etc... At 15, he is appreciative and understands that he lives in a very sheltered world compared to his friends. So, there is hope.

One thing I recommend is to take your daughter on an eye opening journey. Have her volunteer with you to help those less fortunate than you. Soup kitchens, local shelters, even just shopping for a family that has so much less than she does. It is an eye opener for them. I've always included my children in charities. My youngest son is the primary shopper for a christmas family that we adopt every year, he is amazed that the kids and adults ask for coats and mittens and snow shoes.

We all find it humbling to help others. It may help your daughter to realize all that she has.

Best of luck - and remember, if they think you are mean and controlling, you are doing your job! They out grow that and appreciate all of it eventually!