The squeeze generation

[chiney]

It's a growing issue for baby boomers as we age, with children still needing guidance and parents seeming to revert to children needing guidance.

My 92 year old Mom is mostly blind, has some deafness but is still pretty healthy. She walks, goes to a senior's group 3 times a week and still lives in a house - which she moved to 2 years ago. Guess who did the move for her???

I feel blessed that she has her health and I take her to all of her medical appointments to keep on top of things. But I still have this niggling guilt about resenting some of the time I feel I have to spend with her. My DD lives with Mom to keep her house clean, groceries topped up, yard kept up and she so rarely complains about the chores. So why do I still feel this resentment? Anyone else?

[aquachick]

I have been where you are now. My grandmother passed away last April at 92. I felt resentment towrds my siblings who were "too busy" to call, visit, or help her. I felt grief at the loss of my relationship with my beloved grandmother, as she became confused, forgetful and fearful. Now that she is gone, I feel badly that I wan't more patient. I don't really have any advice for you, just wanted you to know that your emotions are not unique. It is a difficult time of life as we enter menopause, our children prepare to leave the nest, and our parents enter the twilight of their lives. The Lord be with you.

[Mori]

I find it so dear of your DD to live with your mom in order to help her with daily living & chores. She must have a really big heart. I understand that taking care of an elderly parent can become emotionally draining but wouldn't you want your DD to do the same for you in the future? Just try being a little more patient & put yourself in our mom's shoes. I don't think she enjoys being so dependant either. There's a saying that goes 'I've been where you are now & you'll be where I am tomorrow. :o

[Kayaking]

"Sandwich generation" stuff definitely isn't easy!

My mother is in her mid-80s and doesn't drive. I make time for her every weekend, take her to her medical appointments, take care of insurance matters and paperwork, etc. I have 3 siblings who live 4 or 5 hours away, and who generally visit Mom once a year.

I know that if Mom were living 4 or 5 hours away from me, I would simply make it my business to go see her on a regular basis (at least once every 3 months!) It really bothers me that my siblings don't make it their business to do this.

Sometimes I too feel the way Chiney wrote: "I have this niggling guilt about resenting some of the time I feel I have to spend with her."

I have a new husband, yet I make time for Mom every weekend. Sometimes it would be nice to spend the weekend doing things with him -- and there are 3 other people who could make it their business to visit more than once a year, and who could free up a weekend for me now and then, IF they wanted to -- but they don't.

My life is jam-packed: I'm a wife, a partner in a business, I teach part-time at a University, and I have two children from an earlier marriage who are both college students, so I work hard to support them.

Nevertheless, I routinely make time for my mother.

She recently went through a three-month period where she was in a lot of pain, and there was a visit to the emergency room followed by a number of medical tests and doctors appointments, then physical therapy twice a week. Did my siblings help with any of this? Or call to say "I appreciate what you're doing"?

As Aquachick wrote, "I felt resentment towrds my siblings who were 'too busy' to call, visit, or help her."

I asked them to commit to a regular phone call schedule that I could rely on -- ie, someone to call Mom on Monday night while I was teaching, someone else on Tuesday, etc. -- but no one responded.

Finally, a month later, I got upset at the lack of response -- I was simply on overload -- so I asked again for regular phone calls to Mom, at which point my sister called me and literally yelled at me! (She actually had the nerve to say it was my JOB to take care of Mom, because she lives near me!) A number of jealousies and resentments spewed forth, and I was shocked to learn what she really thinks of me.

In the final analysis, actions do speak louder than words, and the fact is that I am consistently there for Mom: weekly, monthly, yearly -- which means that I've been consistently there for my siblings, too.

After all, if I weren't here, doing what I do on a consistent and reliable basis, someone else would have had to pitch in, so someone else's life would have been altered and affected.

[Carmen]

My 80-year-old widowed mother is very healthy and functioning quite well for her age, still living in the little hometown in which I was raised. So far, my two younger brothers and I have, I feel, quite equally shared in various tasks to assist her: My youngest brother does her taxes and financial work, my other brother drives her to any out-of-town medical appointments and occasional social functions, and I (the only daughter) do the typically "girly stuff" like help her shop for new household items, take her to musical events or plays, etc. So far, I don't feel like "everything" is heaped on me while my (((brothers))) shirk their share of responsibilities. :D

However, a few years ago my cousin's wife told me that, since I was "the only daughter and the oldest of the siblings" that it was likely that *I* would ultimately be saddled with the most responsibilities as time progresses and my Mom's needs increase. She was not trying to freak me out by predicting gloom and doom...she was just sharing what *she* experienced (being the eldest and female) regarding her own mother.

I hope my younger brothers defy the "typical family dynamic" and prove her wrong. So far, they have truly done their share. It would be difficult to be the only offspring helping an aging parent, and I am grateful that at the present time I am not in that group.

[Mykhal Jaems]

While I'm not part of that generation, I am a fulltime care giver to DH and hold a fulltime job. I know that we do much more than others who don't have someone depending on. I know that your parents REALLY appreciate what you do for them. Please know that it is normal to feel resentment. While it may not feel normal, it is. Check out the 'caregivers' thread here. There may also be caregiver's support groups in your area. I know we have one in our village, it meets once a month. I just found out about it, so haven't been able to get to a meeting yet.

Carmen ~ in my family, both sides, the youngest sibling still lives with the parents. They are single and have given up alot to take care of their parents. I know my uncle has issues, alot of resentment and has trouble with depression. Here's the strange part, it wasn't until about a year ago that my mother was even aware of it. I remember talking with her about it and she was so surprised. He was sort of just saddled with it b/c he was the youngest and still living at home when his father died. They were partners in the family business and grandma turned to him to step in and take care of everything at home. He still does and he know owns the family farmstead and business and grandma lives with him. The closest sibling is 1/2 hr drive away and has alot to do with grandma's health, but the other two, my mother and her brother don't go home as much. Since my mother has found out about the resentment and the situation she has been back home as much as she can, and my other uncle goes home to help out with the business and help out with the up keep of the property.

My aunt has just moved back with grandma and grandpa. My parents live 5 minutes away and my father tries to help out as much as possible, but she is the one who ends up going to the dr appointments and doing most everything. I know that both my father and aunt resent the fact that my uncle who lives 7 hours away only comes up when there is a medical emergency or for Memorial Day weekend to take grandpa fishing.

And I've been thinking about this issue alot lately since my father's health is starting to fail and my little brother who is still in high school is helping out at home alot more than me and my other two brothers who live nearby. Ben is the only one who isn't married and have his own place, and I'm afraid that he will get the brunt of the responsiblity. He has plans to go to school to be a vet's assistant and I hope that he can do that.

I guess I'm trying to say that most families have issues with this. Please don't feel that you are alone. You may not be getting help with your parents, but you do have support here. A place to vent and get everything off your chest.

And most importantly, it's normal to feel resentment, even if it doesn't feel normal.

Remember, your parents apprecialte what you are doing for them, even if they don't voice it.

MJ

[spasmo]

What exactly is the squeeze generation? I was born in 1962. My Mom was born in 1918 and my Dad 1920. They have both passed on now. I think I am at the tale end of the baby boomers, and from what I have read here I feel like I was also part of the squeeze generation. Squeezed between my life (early 40s) and older parents.

When my Dad was dying I struggled with my sister (who is 16 years older than me). All I wanted her to do was call him and our Step Mom regularly. Whenever she would say "I wish I could get up there more", I would say "PLEASE JUST CALL THEM REGULARLY". Apparently that was too painful for her to do and for a long time that really bothered me. I have since forgiven myself (for harshly judging her) and her (for what I perceived as her short comings).

I went to therapy to help me get through this and here is what I learned:
It was not mine to worry about what my sister would eventually feel when my Dad passed... she was comfortable doing whatever she needed to do.

I was in charge of doing what I needed to do and not let others (including my sister trying to do a reverse guilt trip) bother me. Instead of letting the focus turn to her and her inability to travel five hours one way, I remained focused on Dad and our Step Mom. If I wanted to insure that our Step Mom had love and support I was not going to rely on anyone else, I was going to supply it. Anyone else supplying her love and support was gravy. I wanted to be sure that I spent as much time available with my Dad I was going to do it (I didn't care about the guilt trip my sister was trying to rationalize). It did not matter that others had excuses (theirs to control) I was going to do what was best for Dad, our Step Mom and me. And I was grateful that I had the opportunities to spend with Dad. Even though he had Alzheimer's, he never lost the ability to recognize me. I had to remind him once who my sister was. In the end I know she did the best she could. I have made peace with it.

I guess if I resent anything it is that I was 40 and had lost both of my "natural parents". I feel ripped off. However, I am blessed that Dad had remarried our wonderful Step Mom and she is still in my life... I am so thankful for this!