How do you know whether to separate?

[GooglGirl]

We have separated 3 weeks ago and nothing has really changed....we still fight and I think this is mainly because we have not sat down and been honest with each other. We have not worked out some guidelines for the separation such as arrangements for the children, money and counselling.
It is so hard because I feel better about the separation, but he is angry and bitter and seems to be playing the victim role. He stays away from me and the kids and does not answer his phone and then he says that nobody cares about him and complains that the kids do not want to see him.
I don't know what to do.....I am feeling like it would be better to stay this way for a while until we can get on better but he is making it hard and keeps asking me to clarify that I want this as a temporary situation. Trouble is, I am thinking about staying this way and possibly divorcing but I know he would get angry and make life hell if I actually said that out loud.
What should I do? :(

[LuvMaui]

Googlgirl:

Maybe you need to write your husband a letter. Explain what needs to change in detail. Maybe make an Agreement that for the next 3 months you both be in counseling to see if the marriage can be salvaged. After the 3 months your will either move back in together or divorce.

But during the next 3 months he must help support you and the kids, he must have regular visitation with the kids and once a week You and he will go out on a date. If there is any fighting, the date is off for the following week.

If he isn't open to it, then you don't have much to work with.

Any real decision to separate, divorce, get back together must be at your best judgment, not because you're afraid of him or because of a friends advice. Be strong. Know what you want before you act.

Hugs - Cindy

[YellowRoseTex]

I am sorry things are so rough for you. I think in your heart you will know what to do. Separating is never easy, I know when I left a bad relationship it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Even at the end I was telling myself it would work out. However, in the end, leaving was the best thing I have ever done for myself. That was almost 20 years ago.

I think you should write down the pros and cons of the relationship. You may even want to ask for your children's input. What do they like about when you're together, what do they not like. I would also suggest some counseling. You appear to be very afraid of your husband. If necessary, there are shelters for abused women. If that is the case, I would urge you to seek out that type of help.

[blondgrl]

Hello,
I would have to agree with Yellowrose.....it does seem as if you may be afraid of your husband's reaction if you did decide to proceed with divorce...I think it might be really valuable to you right now to seek some counsel from a therapist who will be able to help you sort through all these feelings and who will look out for your safety and wellfare....It seems that right now you aren't able to "clarify" the situation for him & you should not be pushed into making any decisions until you've considered the entire situation as well as the impact upon you and your children. It sounds like he may be a little bit controlling...forgive me if I am wrong...but it does sound as if you need some one to look out for your interests & to help you safely consider all options...please, don't be afraid to reach out for some help.....wishing you the best...hugs....

[GooglGirl]

Hi,
Thank you for your replies.
I am not afraid of my husband with regards to my personal safety. I have never been physically abused by him, just emotionally and mentally.
I just know that if I actually declare that it is over....which I know I will have to do sooner or later...that he will react very badly. He is very reactive already and that has been an issue for us over the last 20 years. He gets hurt very easily and gets defensive straightaway without thinking it through or actually checking out first what I am trying to say. So often I will bring up an issue and before I have even finished or even actually said how I feel about it he starts reacting and often he will just yell and shout his opinion on that and then walk out. He stays away for hours and then when he returns he expects me not to bring it up again and expects me to act normally towards him, as if nothing has happenend.
So I reckon he will do the same in this instance. He has said so many times that if it is over he will leave and go to the other side of Australia and we will never see him again. He has also said lately that if I think this arrangement is permanent that he will move back in, sell the house and fight for the kids.
I had hoped that this separation would be an opportunity for each of us to work on ourselves and use the time to step back and analyse how we feel about each other and work at trying to salvage this marriage.
Maybe I am expecting too much....maybe that has been my problem for 22 years....I am expecting him to be what he cannot or does not want to be.

[YellowRoseTex]

Hi,
Thank you for your replies.
I am not afraid of my husband with regards to my personal safety. I have never been physically abused by him, just emotionally and mentally.
Abuse does not have to be physical. I have suffered mental and emotional abuse and it is just as painful and difficult to get out of as physical abuse is. I urge you to seek professional guidance to help you decide what is the best decision for *you* and your children. :hug:

[GooglGirl]

Thanks for your post Yellow Rose.
I am receiving counselling again for myself, this time it is prayer counselling.

It feels weird that after 22 years I am so calm about all of this. I suppose that is because I have cried so many times and fallen apart so many times and been so desperate so many times throughout all those years.....all to no avail it seems. And now I am sort of over it. It is weird also that on his part, he claims to want this marriage but in the last 4 weeks he has done very little about it. He has not tried to talk to me, asked me out for coffee, sent me a letter, made an appointment withe the counsellor, or even tried very much to see the kids.
Maybe this calm I have is telling me that it is okay. That maybe we need this separation and that maybe we will get back together and maybe we will not.

The kids are amazingly fine about it and it is so peaceful and home.

[GooglGirl]

Sorry, I got interrupted at the end of last post.

I was trying to say that the kids are amazingly fine and that the house is generally peaceful. It is just so nice to be not fighting any more and I am sure that they feel the same way.

So, for now, I will just keep on keeping on and just keep doing what I need to do each day, go to work, take care of children and take care of running of the house etc. I suppose something will develop either way soon.

[Autumn Moon]

Hi there
Please speak to a lawyer and get custody and primary residence settled - even though you have not yet decided to stay separated, reconcile or divorce. You can also work out a visitation schedule.
You don't need a custody battle down the road if you should decide to divorce.
My ex moved out and I stayed in the 'marital home' with our 5yo daughter. I immediately went to family court, it was free, and filed an interim custody order. She was in my custody, with my home as primary residence, with liberal access to him. Access was later decided on as every weekend (I worked Thurs-Mon, he worked Mon-Fri) and every Wednesday night for supper.
It made it a lot easier when it came to the divorce as we had something in writing PRIOR to me saying "divorce".
Part of me will admit that it was easy to get him to sign the custody papers as he would have done anything at that point to stay married (I did NOT give him any indication that I was thinking about reconciliation).
Just my 2 cents,
Autumn

[blondgrl]

I'm very pleased that you are seeking counsel from someone that can assist you and support you....just wanted to say that in most cases....mental and emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse.....still takes a long term toll on people and their overall well being.....glad you are getting some support from an outside source who can advocate for your needs & help you to think through the tough decisions you are faced with at this point. Sending tons of cyber hugs!