Need ideas for my new daughter-in-law

[Sofina]

Hi,
I have a new dil. They have been married four months now, but live in another city. We have spent a couple of holidays together, but I feel I don't "know" her. I want to reach out to her in some way to show her that I desire more of a relationship with her, but I'm not sure how to do it and not make her feel I am stalking her or something.
It would be so much easier if she were here in the same city. Over time we would share time together and it would come naturally. I'm afraid if I don't do something, time will go by and we will never develop the kind of relationship I desire to offer her.
I would welcome any ideas you might have for developing a long distance relationship with my new 'dd'.
Thank you, Sofina

[Poppie]

Sofina, I think calling her, sending her notes or cards, letting her know that you would love to spend more time with her is a start. It is kind of a fine line, when dh and I got married, he has only brothers, his mother and I got along great. We did things together, when the other brothers got married, their wives were included also. One of the sil's would not participate, it caused alot of heartache, she was jealous of the relationship I have with my mil. Her dh would get involved, he would tell his mother how he felt, he wanted his mother to only spend time with his wife. When we had family get togethers she would always get mad, they would leave. It always made things miserable, that the rest of the family didn't want to get together if she was going to be there. We moved away, mil and I don't do as much together as we use to. My mil has always told me I was the daughter she never had, I love her alot and she has made a difference in my life. We don't see as much of each other as we used too, but there is peace in the family now, we all learned to not pay attention to the sil's antics and go on with life and enjoy each other. You will know what to do, just be yourself, you are very kind and considerate. :hug:

[SouthDakotaSherry]

Poppie, I am so sorry you had such a bad experience with your SIL. She will have no idea what she missed out on.

Sofina, I just got married for the second time and my new MIL lives about 1500 miles from me. She emails me little notes and whenever phone calls are made, she always asks to speak to me, not just my DH. She keeps up with what I have going on and always shows an interest. When we go out to visit, we always go out shopping and to lunch - just the two of us. I adore this woman and try to do as much for her. I don't let holidays go by without flowers and I make sure we call her at least once a week. She is grateful that her son is both happy and going back to church and I am grateful that she raised such an amazing man and is willing to share him with me.

I think you are awesome for wanting so much to be close to you DIL. She is a lucky woman!

[djortega]

my mother in law always does special things for me, like she always remembers my birthday and gets me gifts and a special card. you could send her cards and you could tell her thank you for taking good care of your son. that means so much, really it does!!!!! beacause daughter in laws seek the approval of her husbands mother.

[Aussie Friend]

Well I don't really officially have a DIL but she is my son's partner and my granddaughter's mother. I have tried to include her in all family events, took her to doctors appointments when she was late in her pregnancy, taken her out for lunch, morning tea etc. I guess really all you need to do is show acceptance and kindness and the rest just seems to happen.

[royallady]

I think a phone call to her just to ask how her week went. How she is doing yadda yadda and then when you are all caught up on her life say good bye and tell her to say hello to your son for you. That will make her feel like it was just her you wanted to talk to and you are truly interested in what she is doin and how she is doing. My ex MIL use to do that all the time she lived out of province and would call me at least twice a month just to see how I was doing. It was sweet.

[Sofina]

Thank you all for the great ideas. I am even more convinced now that I need to reach out to her. My son will call and I hardly ever even talk to her. That will change this week. :)

[blondgrl]

When I first married my DH, my DMIL made a photo album for me with pictures of my DH when he was young and growing up. She told me about the pics and put them in a beautiful album that I will always treasure. I thought that was a sweet thing to do. She always remembers to find me some little something when she goes somewhere just to let me know she was thinking of me too. I do the same for her, it's become our little tradition. It may be a postcard, a thimble, ceramic figurine, etc. I think your DDIL will realize you want to include her when you make contact and are thinking of her. Have a great day!

[Kate]

Sofina, I just want to say (from a younger woman's perspective who has had to deal with some not so great experiences with a former boyfriend's mom) I think it's really great of you that you want to reach out and form some kind of good relationship with your new DIL. I think a note or card would be a great way to start things. I wouldn't think that you would need to go overboard. Just to let you know that you care about and are glad that she is now apart of your family. I think that is what I would have wanted and will want. :)

[pednurse]

I think just reaching out with emails, notes, or occasional phone calls, and really being sincere when you ask how she's doing and what her interests currently are, will all go a long way in helping you get to know each other. When my DH & I married 10 1/2 years ago, the first couple of years with my MIL were a bit rough. I was her first DIL and she really wasn't sure how to get to know me. We had a couple of rough times when she wanted me to keep something secret from my DH (a big no-no!!). It actually helped when we moved 2500 miles away. We lived away for 5 1/2 years. During that time we also gave her 2 wonderful grandchildren. That really seemed to get things going more smoothly as I guess she had more motivation for ensuring a good relationship with the kids. Since moving back (she only lives 3 miles from us now) we have gotten a lot closer. Looking back I realize how introverted she has always been and it just took us this long to really connect. I guess she feels she has more in common with me now that I'm also a mother and not just the girl who "stole" her eldest away from her. :grin:

[crunchies0313]

I'm happy to see that you actually want a relationship. I have heard horror stories about mothers in law and vice versa. I think that it can become hard on the married couples relationship because of holidays, and visiting!! I wish that I have a MIL like you who wishes to be a part of my life more that the title of Mother in Law!! I wish you the best of luck!! I'm not sure how far away you live, but maybe on a weekend you could possibly meet for lunch? If not just calling her (not enough to be a mom), but just to keep in touch with what is going on in her life!

[wingriderprincess]

I was having a hard time with this too. I would call and if she answered, she would say hello and say, "I'll get Joe". I was baffled. One day, I sat down with a pretty card and thanked her for making my son so happy. I told her how a mom always worries when her children are so far and now, I was comforted knowing he had her. She called me and thanked me and now, she calls me often just to chat , for a recipie or advice about some small matter. Every now and then, I send her a certificate to Bath and Body Works because I know she loves thier stuff, and it's just for her. I never , ever say a cross word about her to anyone. My MIL would make little remarks to others and the other dil always made sure I knew. (it was ok, she was making remarks about them to me ;) I make a point to brag on her to others instead. When she got sick and needed help, she asked that I come. I had to learn to love her and it has been well worth the effort! I hope you find common ground with your new daughter. It makes for a very happy son!!

:)

[purrsandwags]

Hello
I am a DIL who lives far away from my in-laws. I only met my MIL 2x before we got married. I wish I had a better relationship with her. She and I are totally different and everytime we are together it's awkward for everyone involved. I can't help but think that if we were able to establish a relationship before we got married things would be better. Now I feel like she's trying to intrude instead of being involved in our lives. I'm not used to her being around and when she is I don't react well. I never learned how to deal with her slowly, in short bursts. Instead, when I do see her it's for a week at a time and it's very overwhelming. Please try to establish an on-going relationship with your DIL. It will benefit everyone and just might save her marriage one day.

[wingriderprincess]

purrsandwags,
As a mil, I encourage you to reach out to your mil. One of the things I love the most is a short phone call from my dil just to say, "hi, I was thinking about you". or, "do you have time to give me your recipie for....?". In turn, I now do the same to her. My son told me when they were dating that she made awesome chili. I remembered that and when she was ill, I was staying with them to help in her care and I asked her to sit in a chair and walk me through how she does it. I have to admit... it is "awesome chili" and now, here at home, dh and I call it, "Jen's chili". Reach out to her in simple ways to find common ground. You will never be "his mother" (thank goodness; he wouldn't want you to be) but having a relaxed peaceful atmosphere is a two way street. You be the one to extend the olive branch and I would bet good things can result. Also, as mil's we do tend to stick our foot in our mouths once in awhile (for some reason, we think we have that right :confused: ). Please, don't take it out on your dh or wear your feelings on your sleeve. I'm sure she doesn't want to hurt your feelings and thinks her words come from years of wisdom. Also remember, someone had a hand in making your husband the man he is today. I bet it was his mom :) She just might like to hear a , "thanks for molding him into someone who loves deeply. You did a great job!"

Now, go make that phone call.... :hug:

[purrsandwags]

Can I have you as a mother in law? I'm so jealous!
Unfortunately, after my MIL told me that she would not have chosen me as a wife for her son I gave up. I still see her and I am still civil but that really hurt. That wasn't a foot in the mouth but a slap in the face.
I only hope that I am learning so that I can be a wonderful MIL to my son's wife (in a bout 20 years!!!)
Thank you for your support and advice.
So what is Jen's Chili recipe??? :)
Lori

[Aussie Friend]

Hi Lori,

My son has a partner who has a bit of a checkered history although I'm not so sure it's as bad as many make out. She is 4 years older than him and heavily involved with her parents which I find very suffocating but to each there own.

The problem I'm finding is she expects us to be as smothering and I can't. I think as a young couple with a new daughter they need time to develop as a family.

While she was pregnant I took her to her pre-natal appointments and afterwards took her to lunch. I was happy to do this and have offered to help if needed but I won't sit on their doorstep.

She has been made a needy young woman by her mother but the sad thing is she is such a capable young woman who will never realise her potential because she can't move without mum and now she expects our son to answer to us.

We have taught our kids to be independent and hopefully respectful most times of their elders.

Sorry rambling! I was lucky I had a wonderful MIL who sadly passed away with breast cancer and rather than follow my mothers treatment of my husband I've chosen to follow her and be there if needed, ring occasionally to take her to morning tea or on the odd occasion I buy her a little gift I see.

You too will be a great MIL when the time comes because you'll want your son's partner to enjoy your company.

Take care.............Karen

[donna6171]

I agree with everybody. My son and his wife live in TN, so I call once a week and make sure I talk to everybody. I email them once a week also. I also try to send my DIL funny cards with missing you themes and once sent her some flowers just to thank her for being such a good wife to my son.

[Alkentor]

Sofina,

I think it is says a lot about you that you are concerned with having a good relationship with your daughter in law. With the suggestions everyone gave you and you own willing spirit – I bet there will be a close bond with you both.

She is a lucky girl to have you for a mother in law. :)

[YellowRoseTex]

Hi Sofina,
As a DIL, I can say that a card and a phone call can go a long way. And when you do see each other, take some time apart from the group to spend some time getting to know your DIL. My relationship with my MIL started out rocky, but over the years we have become close. The special cards and asking how I am meant alot to me.