Cheating husband

[honeyb]

:confused: My husband cheated 2x's (that I know of),we have a 12 yr. old son. Tried counseling, not going too well. Very hostile household. Can't afford home by myself. My son adores his Dad. Unfortunately, he's caught in the middle. I'm miserable, not sure what to do.
H E L P.

[LoveRainbows]

Hi honeyb,
I really don't know what to tell you.I think if it was me that I would leave.I say that now but you never really know till it happens to you.Sometimes I wonder myself sometimes about my own husband.I'm the one with the flirty husband.You never know if it could happen to you.Me and my husband have been together a long time.(highschool sweethearts)We lived together before we got married and I know he cheated on me before we married.He says he would never do it again, but you can never say never.I know some women just deal with it because they don't want to lose everything they worked so hard for.As for giving you advice on what to do, I can't because if I was put in your shoes I can't really say what I would do.I only wish you well and a shoulder to lean on if you need it.

[lilorphann]

Hi honeyb,
Remember where there's a will, there's a way; perhaps a family member or close friend that could help you to get out of your current situation. Your son may adore his dad but you are not doing him or yourself any good by staying in a hostile household with a cheating hubby who obviously does not seem to care about saving his marriage and keeping his family together.

Your child should maintain a relationship with his father but not at the expense of your sanity or happiness. You need to figure out, as the adult, what is best and try to make the changes needed for you to take care of yourself. If your hubby is not willing to stop his cheating and you are no longer secure in your marriage then you should not be in that marriage!

[blondgrl]

Oh, honeyb,
I'm really sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I think that this type of decision can only be made by you. I worried about your saying you are living in a "hostile household". If there are lots of negative things going on, your child is being influenced by this no matter how hard you try to shield him. But, what about you? Are you still going to counseling? I know that it does take two people vested to make a relationship work. And, I think it would be helpful for you to have some type of support while you are going through this. If you two are still attending couple's therapy, maybe you can address some of your feelings there? It's really a personal choice for you to make b/c others are not walking in your shoes and don't know how bad it really is as your trust has been broken. Just try to get some input from the counselor, a trusted pastor, etc. Maybe, if nothing else, just someone you can lean on during this time and someone you can trust, because if you are supported, you will be better equipted to support your son during this time. I wish you only the best in this hard situation. Take care and take time for yourself too. Sending lots of support your way. Keep us posted. Cyber Hugs!

[royallady]

I was married for 14 years to a very controlling man, we had two children I knew nothing I mean nothing. Did not even have a bank account. or how to use one. I got up one morning and left... called an uncle in the city i live in and had him come and get me and my kids. I left with only clothes for me and my kids.. went on welfare (i know what you are thinking) and they sent me to school got me an appartment. and in 9 months i was self sufficiant and working full time.... Trust me if you WANT to leave you can... there is always someone out there wanting to help.

[Mysty]

So sorry you this has happened to you. I just wanted to let you know that things will work out for you! I was in the same place a few years ago. I had been married and with the same man for 18 years....10 we were married. We had been highschool sweet hearts! I was shocked, scared and angry when I found out he was cheating on me with a girl at his work, and I was also living in another province away from my family. My turning point was when my nerves had made me so sick, and I realized... if I keep on living like this I can not be all that i want to be for my DD, and this was not a healthy relationship for her to grow up in. I was to busy trying to save a marriage that wasn't there anymore. My DD spends time with her dad in the summer and on school breaks....I am lucky now that I consider him to be good friend and we do everything we can to make things as easy as possible for our DD. I am since remarried .....and I now know what I was missing in the final years I was with my ex! I think one of the hardest things was that I felt like I lost my idenity...I had to move, go on welfare, and I felt like a failure. Now I know that was just a stepping stone... Everyone deserves to be happy, and you have to make it on your own! Hugz to you and be strong!

[Arkiegirl]

Well I was a cheated on wife....and it is no fun. First of all...if he has cheated and came back to you....have you been checked for diseases? I freaked out and got checked . I was okay. Men can be pigs,that is sooo true. I divorced him and later in life met a wonderful man...whom I have been married to for almost 14 years. I trust him completely. I think we sometimes think when we are trapped in a bad marriage that it is the end of life....when the truth is...it is necessary to move on for our own sanity.There will be a painful period,but in the end...peace of mind will come. I was a child of divorce also.My parents fought,and dad had affairs.I finally asked mom to NOT let daddy come back again. It was tearing us up to see the on and off again thing.IT HURT. Mom remarried and my stepdad was wonderful to us kids.Raised us as his own. We love him to this day .Goodluck. Please be safe okay. Hold your head up high and be strong.

[LavenderMoose]

Hi HoneyB,
I just had to answer this because just recently I went thru what you are. Last January, my husband moved out and left me...saying that he wanted a separation --things weren't going well...and he wanted to live closer to his son. But in actuality, he had someone else. Sweety, I know it hurts so badly. And I would never tell you what to do. But please take care of you! I was in the bottom of the pits..I mean bottom!! And one day, I decided to just take care of me. I did little bitty things. Like one day, I gave myself a pedicure. Or did my makeup different. I started walking. And pretty soon, slowly but surely..I started loving me!And I realized I didn't need someone who wasn't going to love me, because I realized I was somebody special. I made myself a little bracelet that spelled "believe" and wore it constantly. I'd look at it and tell myself to believe in myself, that I was worthwhile and special.
And you know what, one day my husband came by the house to talk to me about our bills and taxes and he couldn't Believe the new me!!! He kept coming by for silly things, and you know what eventually he told me that he still loved me and LOVED the new me. What had happened was I lost a huge piece of myself along the road of life, that he wasn't attraced to me and we drifted apart. Now I don't condone what he did...he was a pure PIG! But we are together again, and working day by day on our marriage. But I still wear my little bracelet and I still believe in Me.....
Cuz everywhere you go..there you are!!
Sweety...hang in there!!! If you ever need someone to talk to...just write me....HUgs!!!

[Tric]

honeyb,

I have been in your shoes & I am not sure how much I could be but I am willing to try. If you send me an email I will send you all my contact info. I would like to try to help you in anyway that I can.

Tric
37 y/o wife & mom from PA

[rads76066]

honeyb.
I am so sorry for you, i was in an unfaithful marriage for 13 years, i was so young and scared that i wouldnt leave, i too was in a hostile household, please believe me when i say this, the day i finally left for good was the first day of my adult life, i was so scared out there all alone, i had a 4 yr old and a 6 month old, but i did it, now i have found a good man, remarried and we have a normal life,, cant say it is always perfect but i know he dont cheat on me, please do something for yourself and contact a family couseling service and talk with them about your options, they helped me to get a home , job, and taught me how to love me for what i am, a great person that dont deserve to by hurt by a cheating man, i wish u all the best, and please talk with someone , there are so many out there that will help you

[donna6171]

My husband cheated on me 2 years ago. There were 2 people involved. He moved out and then he told me. What hurt the most was that one of the two was 10 years younger than me. We are back together now, but it has been tough. Eveytime he leaves the house or is not at work, I start thinking about what he could be doing or where he could be. We have no children together, but I still have 2 (18 & 15) from a previous marriage. Sometimes, I still think about divorce but I am trying very hard to stay focused on the good times and what's best. I managed to forgive him, but havent' quite forgotten. I keep thinking if he did it once, he'll do it again. So far he hasn't (not that I know of), but the thought is still there.

[Tric]

My husband cheated on me 2 years ago while he was in college. I guess I should probably give y'all some back ground here first. See for 9 years my husband was a construction worker, until he was injuried on the job & our world was turned upside down. Eventually he went back to school to be trained in another field after being disabled in construction. My husband is bigman (6ft 4in. tall) & was always strong as an ox. He went into a very deep depression, that still doesn't excuse what he did, but it helps to understand more of why. Anyhow...while at college he met this young nursing student & they became friends. Then that friendship turned into a relationship...I knew something was going on, but I wasn't sure just what. Eventually he admitted to having sex with her twice and asked for a divorce...after family counseling he realized it wasn't because he loved her, but because he went he wasn't worthy of me. Things had not been right in our relationship for a very long time before that. Well anyhow, I had started the process of moving...& the day before I was to move on Valentines day 2004 the unthinkable happened. CYS (children & youth service) showed up at our door. See in the process of me trying to get things ready to move & being depressed from our crumbling marriage our home life & housing conditions had delapadated into a health hazzard. So while our boys were at school that day, CYS showed up to have us place them either with family or they were taking them. Well we found family to take them. Our children were in the system for 10 days. It was a hell I never ever ever want to go through again. Needless to say it was a rude awakening for my husband. He decided when I moved he wanted to come with me. So he did, on the condition that he was coming to be with me not because of the kids, his relationship with the other woman was already on a downspout at this point. She had already moved back to her home state & was pressuring him to move with her. His final straw with her was when she demanded he choice between me & her. He told her, "Don't make me choice between you & my wife, because you will lose. I love my wife & I never loved you." They continued to talk for a few months online only, then eventually she tried the ultimate...you know that "I'm pregnant" line. Well she didn't know that my husband couldn't have anymore children. So needless to say, things ended with them. He heard that she has since married & divorced after having a child. And last he heard she was planning on moving back up to this state to try to find him again. We have moved twice since his affair & she thinks that we still live in the same town that we use to, but we don't. And we have since made it to the point in our relationship that it wouldn't matter if she did move back to get him back, it wouldn't happen. 1. He wouldn't let it & 2. I wouldn't let it. Our relationship has come a very long long way since his affair. Yet although I have forgiven him, I will never forget how he broke my heart. I think what saved our marriage was not only the fact that not only do I love my husband unconditional, but he is also one of my best friends. I refused to give up on our marriage & on him. I told him that if he wanted his freedom I would give it to him, because I love him enough to let him go & at the same time his mistress was giving him ultimatums. See the thing is it was not the fact that my husband had been with her that bothered me, it was the fact that while I was working 2 jobs to put him through college...he was not only skipping classes to be with her, but he had also convinced himself that he was in love with her & was thinking about leaving me for her.That was until she tried to make him choice between us. I never once asked him to choice between us, & that was when he realized that all she really was, was sex & that he would never have with her anything close to what he has with me.

Well that is my story, sorry it is so long. And if you have made it to this point I would like to thank you for reading.

Tric

[butterfly05450]

i would not give him a second chance what so ever. i had expereince with this and once a cheater always a cheater, they never stop especially when they know you will forgive them again and again. inknow you ahve a child but its best for you and your child to get out now.

[Silly One]

Honeyb,
In my first marriage I was 16 , mother at 17 , mother of 3 @ 22 . By the time I realized he was messing around, I didn't care . I stayed a few more years , but it wasn't a hostile environment such as you speak of . One day I woke and knew I deserved so much more . My children were 4,6 & 9 . I had a GED and no job , BUT I knew life had to be better than what I had . AND it was ! We weren't rich by any means . For the first time in my life I was truly happy and at peace with myself and my life . I met a wonderful lady who introduced me to something I never thought possible COLLEGE ! 4 yrs later I was an RN and loving the life I had . I wondered what had taken me so long to leave ............ I was waiting on that white house with the white picket fence .Sorry , but that rarely happens . I stayed divorced 18 more yrs. , by choice . My kids were raised and happy people . I have a wonderful ( not perfect ) husband now and we are grandparents of the cutest little 4 year old ! Life is good ! What ever your situation think of your son and yourself first . Get your son some couseling while you decide what you are going to do . The unknown is so very scarey BUT not as scarey as you have imagined I'm sure ! I will tell you what someone once said to me " Let yourself be happy " !!!Thoughts & Prayers are with you !

[marybeth8890]

I was never aware of cheating while we were together it wasn't until after we seperated that I found out of his wonderings. I was always in a hostile enviroment and one day I just got in my mind to do something about it. I asked family members for help and also with the help of friends my childern and I moved out. I will not lie it was very hard and I was scared but, so relieved and happy as soon as we were out that door. Talk to someone, a friend or a local womens center if you have one they can and will help. I was very surprised. I am now very happy in a new marriage and have 2 more children. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

[kdt_president]

Yeah it is hard to take believe me. I had 19 years of that with my ex. But, he decided to bring them home and wanted to share them with me. (needless to say I didnt partake). GROSS. You will never forget. If he is trying to make it up to you and seems to be doing a good job good luck with that, I am sure he feels really bad, not that that can take away your pain. Some may ask why I stayed with a idiot for so long, but as we all know abuse in everyway can take a toll on you and he seemed to of manipulated me into thinking that I would never get custody of my kids.
But there life after a ex, I have a wonderful man now and he is truly my soul mate.
Hang in there. If you need to talk, I am a good listener.


My husband cheated on me 2 years ago. There were 2 people involved. He moved out and then he told me. What hurt the most was that one of the two was 10 years younger than me. We are back together now, but it has been tough. Eveytime he leaves the house or is not at work, I start thinking about what he could be doing or where he could be. We have no children together, but I still have 2 (18 & 15) from a previous marriage. Sometimes, I still think about divorce but I am trying very hard to stay focused on the good times and what's best. I managed to forgive him, but havent' quite forgotten. I keep thinking if he did it once, he'll do it again. So far he hasn't (not that I know of), but the thought is still there.

[Bryton]

HoneyB,
There are so many of us who have been in your place. I promise you, one way or another, it will get better. You and your son will be happy again. First, your husband's infidelity is a relflection on him, not you. Someone told me once that if my (first) husband had been married to the other women, he would have tried having the affair with me. I truly believe that.

To be happy again is going to take some work on your part. I would suggest a good counselor. Your place of worship, your local government, or your doctor will have some places to refer you. Second, make a plan. Even if it's just planning on getting through your day, it will help you feel more in control of things. You need to think long and hard about whether this marriage is salvagable. Pray for the best but, plan for the worst. You said that you can't afford to move. A lot of us have been there. Where there's a will, there's a way. Make finances part of your "plan".

Above all, you and your son are worth so much more than this. Don't lose sight of that.

Your in my prayers,
Tina.

[DentalChik]

HoneyB
This is in no way an easy answer situation. I agree with the ladies who say "TAKE CARE OF YOU" but it is also true that you must take care of your son. He should have a relationship with his dad, but to put him into this kind of situation where he knows what his father is doing is really not helping him in the long run.
I have a husband who was unfaithful. It was the "typical story" of the "girl at work". In a thousand years I would never have thought this would happen to us. We were high school sweeties, and at one time we adored one another. I am not sure what went wrong, but something did. In our situation, we both wanted our marriage to work out and since this happened, we have been closer than ever before. It is not to say that it would never happen again, but I do have to say that we would never work things out a second time. Once is a mistake, twice is a habit that needs help to be stopped. YOU can't be the one to help, he has to want to be helped and ask for help on his own. You are a truly beautiful being to have stayed with him this long, but don't fool yourself into saying things like "I can't afford to leave" or "But my son is so close to his dad" because those are simply excuses that are enabling your husband to continue having his cake and eating it too. Think about yourself and your child and leave. THEN, if you are both willing and want to work through this, do it.

[spasmo]

Oh Sweetie I am sending you a BIG HUG! I wish I had some words of wisdom but I have not walked in your shoes. I pray for your peace of mind. Please know that we are all here for you no matter what you decide.

[billsmrs]

Well I was a cheated on wife....and it is no fun. First of all...if he has cheated and came back to you....have you been checked for diseases? I freaked out and got checked . I was okay. Men can be pigs,that is sooo true. I divorced him and later in life met a wonderful man...whom I have been married to for almost 14 years. I trust him completely. I think we sometimes think when we are trapped in a bad marriage that it is the end of life....when the truth is...it is necessary to move on for our own sanity.There will be a painful period,but in the end...peace of mind will come. Please be safe okay. Hold your head up high and be strong.

Yep....was married to a man for 10 years (had 2 kids with him) and found out he had cheated on me NUMEROUS times. Had all the testing done when I found out what a snake he was. Getting divorced from him was the BEST thing that could have ever happened to me. Now don't get me wrong, while going through it I thought I was going to die but looking back now I see it was for the best. True colors really come out if you know what I mean. I saw things in him that I had never seen before (or maybe I just neglected to acknowledge them and they had been there the whole time). As far as the kids go....well, if you are unhappy and it is a hostile environment it is better to get out of there and take the kids with you. Kids are smart and know when things aren't as they should be.

After the divorce was final I found out how much of a pig, snake, etc my ex was.......he no longer wanted the kids among other things. After I remarried.....which was a case of me eating my words that I would never remarry..... :p ......my ex terminated his parental rights. He no longer has anything to do with the kids. My husband has adopted them and they are so much happier. Now my kids were smaller when all that happened but I can say that no matter the age, kids are smart and they will react to the stress of the situation. I know from seeing mine deal with it first hand at their young age.

Good luck and if you need to talk I am here. :hug: