Mother-Daughter Relationships

[Daisy Girl]

I went out to lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. This past fall she kind of "dropped out" of life. It was great to reconnect. Turns out she's been depressed over her relationship with her 19 year old daughter.

Boy, could I relate to her. My daughter is 23 and married now and we get along GREAT. But when she was 15 I wasn't sure we'd even be speaking eight years later.

I was able to reassure my friend that her relationship will get better. I've found that now that she's out on her own, my daughter has a much better understanding of how I was there for her during difficult times.

[LuvMaui]

My Daughters are 27 & 28 years old. Boy, it's hard to believe they are that age.

We are very, very close. Always have been.

We get in fights a couple times a year, but so far we have been able to overcome the obstacles.

Mothers & Daughters.... It's not always smooth sailing, but it is a fantastic journey. :)

[summers day]

My daughter is now 29 and we have had a great relationship for the last 8 years or so. Those teen years were tough!!
It is funny now, but at the time it was horrible. We got through it though. Now, at times, she stops and thinks, o my I am sounding like my mother!! lol
I have a good relationship with my mother also. She is 83 and we talk daily, even though she lives 2 hours from me.

[shazza]

I'm an older mum, I'm 43 and my DD is 2, she'll turn 3 in April. I must be the odd one here :) At least I'll have you ladies to come to for advice :)

As for my relationship with my mother :( she's always been more interested in men than her own daughters.

[Daisy Girl]

Shazza -

I was just looking at a picture of my kids when they were little and thinking how I'd love to have a day (or even an hour) with them that age again.

So, give your little one a special hug and drink in that small body, sweet smell and soft touch. The years go by so fast.

[jcme]

My relationship with my mother has gone in cycles. First it was great, then as a teenager is got a little strained due to the typical teenage things, then it got better, now it is becoming strained again.

The love has always been there, and still is; but thinking about this thread and what I've been exeperiencing makes me think how the good the relationship is has a lot to do with a struggle for independence.

My parents helped me learn to be independent so I never would say I had a bad relationship with my mother, however looking back there was tension when I was a teenager. We had done so many things together and then I just wanted to do things with with friends, think and do things for myself during this time. When I got older the really good relationship with her returned. It is now becomming strained again but this time I think it has to do with the fact that she is struggling to keep her independence as she gets older.

Take care

[Marian Paroo]

I'm an older mum, I'm 43 and my DD is 2, she'll turn 3 in April. I must be the odd one here :) At least I'll have you ladies to come to for advice :)

As for my relationship with my mother :( she's always been more interested in men than her own daughters.


I bet more women in your age bracket will show up.

My sister in law had her kids at 37 and 42, but they're all boys.

Sorry you had a rough time with your mother.

[shazza]

Thank you, hope they do. Dh and i got married when I was 22 and started ttc then and got told when I was about 28, that we'd probably never have kids :( Then when I was about 35 saw a different ob's and started IVF. DS was born after 9 attempts at ivf and DD was from frozen embryo's. Certainly worth all the heartache and hormones :)

Btw Mother lives 11 hrs drive away and has invited herself over 'just to see the grandkids' (her words).

[Marian Paroo]

Thank you, hope they do. Dh and i got married when I was 22 and started ttc then and got told when I was about 28, that we'd probably never have kids :( Then when I was about 35 saw a different ob's and started IVF. DS was born after 9 attempts at ivf and DD was from frozen embryo's. Certainly worth all the heartache and hormones :)

Btw Mother lives 11 hrs drive away and has invited herself over 'just to see the grandkids' (her words).

What's "ttc?"

Here there are a lot of babies born from IVF, plenty of sets of twins, too.

HMOs are required to provide unlimited IVF treatments by law, until two kids are born.

I think it's okay that they are required to provide it, but I'm not happy it's unlimited. One it raises everybody's fees, and it cuts into other services provided.

Also, some women do it for 20+ years that can't be very healthy.

Gran sounds like a real pip, if I may say so.

[thediamondlady]

I have been on both sides of the fence.

when a teenager - I felt my mom never understood me -- but as an adult -- we are really good friends -- yeah she still frustrates me when she treats me like a child -- but she is my mom. so it is all good.

When my daughter was a teenager-- I was actually lucky -- she considered me one of her best freinds. not to say that as a single mom -- I did not have my issues with her --
but she was a good kid --
I remembered what it was like to be a teenager and tried to remember that she also would grow out of it --
she now has blessed me with 2 wonder ful grandsons
and our relationship just grows --
thank goodness for verizon innetwork -- as we can talk all day and it costs us nothing. with 1000 plus miles between us -- it sure helps.

[shazza]

TTC = trying to conceive.

AND please don't judge or make judgements until you've been in other peoples situations. Keep an open mind. You may well have a different opinion if YOU had needed Ivf.

We spent over $30k of our own money on IVF. We were private patients. And we pay taxes to help fund hospitals, taxes etc Do you disagree with the money spent on cancer research.....research why people get lung cancer when they smoke??

And if you hadn't noticed I live in Australia...there is more to the world then where you live

What I disagree with is the government funding abortions. Maybe if there weren't so many abortions I could have adopted and not needed IVF. In our state only 12 kids were adopted out last year and to be on a waiting list, we have to pay to stay there. Then the parents get a say in who should adopt their child...... Hundreds of babies were aborted.

I won't go on :) I did try to ignore your 'biased' opinions but couldn't.

Note to self...I will be stronger..

[Chimmer]

I have three "kids" The oldest two are boys (28 & 27) My daughter is 23.Her and I are very close tho we are as different as night and day. My mom and I talk every day too but its not the same.

[Marian Paroo]

Shazza --

I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I get very, very angry when unlimited fertility treatment comes at the expense of cancer treatment.

I know people (librarian sitting next to me at this moment) who had to pay for their loved ones "non-life saving, quality of life only" cancer treatment because of the priorities of our system.

I think somewhere it says that abortion is one of the topics we aren't supposed to discuss (but that may be at Hystersisters), but here abortions are included in what HMOs have to pay for, but the criteria are very, very strict, and the application process quite degrading.

[mezzo soprano]

I went out to lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. This past fall she kind of "dropped out" of life. It was great to reconnect. Turns out she's been depressed over her relationship with her 19 year old daughter.

Boy, could I relate to her.


I hear you there! I had a similar experience with my dd as she was growing up. She's 19 now and we get along really well, but during her "true childhood years" things were really tough, mostly because she was living with her dad and not me. :(

I think it really helps to try and remember that just because things are bad right now, it doesn't mean they'll always be that way. In my case, I tried for years to convince my dd to come live with dh and me, but she always steadfastly refused. I took it personally (of course) and felt I was a complete failure. Finally it dawned on me -- she wasn't rejecting me at all. She was just happy where she was at! :)

A year or so ago, she shocked me by asking to move in with us. Now people call the two of us "an old married couple" because we're always together and have gotten to the point where we finish each other's sentences, etc. :rofl:

I'm glad you got to reconnect with your friend!

[Kathy]

What's "ttc?"

Here there are a lot of babies born from IVF, plenty of sets of twins, too.

HMOs are required to provide unlimited IVF treatments by law, until two kids are born.

I think it's okay that they are required to provide it, but I'm not happy it's unlimited. One it raises everybody's fees, and it cuts into other services provided.

Also, some women do it for 20+ years that can't be very healthy.

Gran sounds like a real pip, if I may say so.

In the US, insurance does not pay for IVF so its not something that is everywhere in the world. Abortion is not covered on most insurances either.

BTW, since this isn't hystersisters, the same rules do not apply for the hot topic list. And let's stick to the topic of mother/daughter relationships to keep things on track. :)

[shazza]

Thanks Kathy. I was only mentioning my DD was from ivf, not looking for a debate or uniformed opinions. I was also trying to make people aware we do have public and private health inusrance in our country and abortions (dare I say the word?) are covered by insurance. Also adoption is very, very rare in our country. That is why many people adopt their kids from o/s. I would love more kids but can't afford them.

My DD was from the freezer :) a frozen embryo, so is a little miracle.

[Kathy]

That's very interesting about your daughter!..... but just a side note about public discussions since you reported this thread...

You are the one that inserted information that was a bit off topic.

On a public discussion, if you insert other information and people respond that might not be what you expected because:

1. They could be from anywhere in the world and not have the same policies or beliefs or

2. They might reply to someone other than you on the thread and not reply to you unless you are the original thread discussion starter

3. Reply in a way that speaks to their opinion on the matter which is different from yours

In any case, as a public discussion, you must be prepared for a variety of responses.

That's the nature of a public discussion community. :)

[Marian Paroo]

Kathy,

Thanks for your getting this discussion back on track.

Since we hopefully are there, I just want to add how important it is to come to some kind of peace in the mother daughter relationship before it is too late.

Last month my mother's lucidity deteriorated to the stage that she either needs to be in nursing home (which she is now) or have live in home help (We're working on that, but there are strict, overly strict limitations on bringing in a foreign worker - people here just won't do that kind of work).

I think mom is lucid some 70%-80% percent of the time, which I am thankful for, but it's no longer the time for mother/daughter talks.

[Suz]

I'm 42 with a 14 & 5 year old daughter. Boy am I glad to see some of you post that you have good relationships with your daughters now that they're older. My older one has been a handful for the past 2 years, moody and mouthy. My youngest still loves mommy so I'm on two ends of the spectrum!

[clogaholic]

I have 2 daughters. The older one has cerebral palsy ( I'll never have empty nest :) ). She spent a bit of her childhood & teen years being angry about her handicaps.That was hard sometimes as she blamed me for not being able to "fix " her problems. She's mostly good company & a joy to be around now.

My other DD was an easy baby & child. Then when she was 12, it was like a switch was flipped & she became a TEEN. We had some rough years while she blamed me for all her problems & some of the world's too :D We did go to family counseling & it helped. When she was about 17, everything started getting better again & we're great friends now. It surprises me how much she asks me for advice now.

:bliss:

[Princess T]

I have a 23 year old daughter with whom I have the best relationship with. My husband teases and says that I need to cut the cord sometime. She still lives at home becauase she is now pursuing her Masters degree. She has wanted to get an apartment, but she just can't aford it right now. She is so responisble and loving, I can't even imagine having someone else. When she was little around 12 or 13 we went through, I will go live with my dad because he will let me do it. So one day I got tired of hearing it and I packed her bags! She was like Mom what are you doing, I said hey you think that grass is greener go, I am tired of living with the threats! Let's just say, she was in shock! She never went, and I never heard anything else again. Sometimes you just have to call there bluff!
We are so close.. We can tell each other almost anything!
She is my Best Friend!
Have a good day!

[nitngale]

My daughter and I just went through a rough 18 months, she met and moved in with a man right out of high school the guy was 7 years older than her...to make a long story short, it was an abusive relationship, that ended badly but had a bright spot, my now 4 month old grand-daughter, My daughter became very ill with pre-eclampsia and toxemia and had to deliver her 8 weeks early, ironically it was the 9 days in the hospital prior to having a baby that brought us closer to the relationship we had before tornado oscar hit. we are very close and she is back on the right track.

[Princess T]

Nitingale,
Congratulations on your new grand daughter. I hope your relationship with your daughter continues on the right track.
Good luck with your procedure in April.
Have a good day!

[sadlite]

I love my daughters. They both are so loving and compasionate. I am a proud mommy!

[celtictigeress]

I never experienced the resentment of my mother that so many females go through when they're young, probably because my mother was my ally against my father, who was very domineering. She's been dead for 9 years and I miss her terribly.

I do recall thinking when I was young, "I will never be like her!" when she did something that embarrassed me. But, sure enough, at 46 I have indeed become my mother, doing a lot of those "embarrassing" things now. My sister says the same thing has happened to her. Our favorite story about this is when we put my mother in a nursing home. We each went out and bought a bedspread for her. Turns out we picked the same one independently of each other -- which just happened to be one that Mom, without telling us, picked out for herself some time before. My sister and I still laugh about that.

[PeachesPear]

After my college graduation is when I began my friendship with my Mom. We fought a lot before that, but we have been great friends for the last 4 years, I think it is so funny that I used to try to hide and avoid telling her things and now she is the first person I want to talk to for advice for whatever is going on in my life! I haven't seen her in a couple of months though since she moved but we still talk all the time. I was hoping to surprise her for Mothers Day but it is hard to get a flight so I can't go. I have a coupon code to order from 1-800-Flowers.com (MOM8 for anyone else that is sending flowers this year) so I am planning on sending her a cute arrangement of flowers since I can't see her. It is so funny how things turn around from teenager years to twenties with mother/daughter relationships!

[Frizzledfroggy]

Hi there!

My mom and I have a pretty good relationship. We have had our ups and downs but what relationship hasn't. It seems as I go through lifes transitions, our relationship strenthens.

I am 26. I am a newly wed, full time student and trying to balance everything.

Our relationship is great, i can talk to her about anything. She can talk to me about anything. I love her very deeply!

[luvsquilting]

My daughter is 17 and is going through all the typical teenage girl things. My mom says she just like I was. If that's true, I certainly have a new respect for my mom. My relationship with DD is strained right now but I know it will get better, just as mine did with my mom. It's amazing that my mother, who was dumb as a rock when I was a teen, got so much smarter as I got older LOL.

[TraciM]

My mom and I are best friends. We have our disagreements and there are times where we drive each other crazy but we make up and go back to being best friends.

[chattiemom2172]

Well I have a 17 year old daughter who I feel for the most part we are doing pretty good.. We had some rough patches there for a while.. but she is very mature and is turning out to be a very motivated young lady. I am very proud of her. She is stubborn though and reminds me alot of someone else at her age..lol.. :eek:
As for my mom.. Do not remember any faults.. miss her and wish that there would be one day I could just hug her or feel her soft hands touching my face like she did when I was young. If you ladies still have your mom.. give her a big hug today too!!
Barb

[kottonkitty]

Hi ladies,
I'm new here and wanted to jump into this thread. I'm so genuinly happy that so many of you have wonderful mother daughter relationships. That is not always the case. I am the only daughter, I have 3 brothers 2 older 1 younger. I have always been the one to care for our mother when she needed help, however youngest brother was always the one who could do no wrong even tho he was into drugs and auto theft, you name it. Mother and I had many collisions, she even tried to keep me away from my Dad when he was dying. Couple of years ago younger brother, who is now living in Ky. married a girl half his age and she became immediatly pregnant. I was never able to have kids which she constantly reminded me of. Anyway, brother asks if he and wife can come to Fla. and stay with us for a few days. No problem, except that the whole week they were in our home new wife was stealing from us - my bras, a swimsuit, shoes (none of which could fit her).Stole 2 bottles of Xanax, my social security card. Mother would not believe it even after we emptied all of their luggage and brother saw with his own eyes. Mother calls me "epitome of all evil" and "you are just trying to destroy the family". She even lied her way out of coming to MIL's funeral last year so that she could go to see brother. She and MIL were fairly close. MIL lived with hubby and I when she got sick until she passed away.
So you see, be very thankful for the wonderful relationships that you have. Never take them for granted.
God bless you.

Wanda

[lovesEeyore]

My daughter is 15 and an only child! We certainly have our moments when her attitude really gets on my nerves! But usually we get along Great! Currently, she is helping me recover from surgery and I couldn't imagine not having her help. A mother/daughter relationship is truly a magical relationship with many ups and downs.

[PBRae]

It is so nice to hear that even though there were hard times that the majority of you have come to have a better relationship with your daughters. I have 2 daughters myself 11 & 8 years old. My 11 year old daughter has been putting me through hell the last few months. Things have come to be so out of hand. I have always been very strict because I never really had boundaries as a child. My oldest daughter has gone very "EMO" and her moods have been crazy. The biggest strain is her bio father & his family is not a very good influence. She blames me from keeping her away from them. She doesnt understand I have to. Recently its gotten so bad Ive caught her cutting herself and having thoughts about death. We got her some professional help and that seems to be doing ok. Just every time I try and put my foot down she goes back to being angry. I worry for her. It makes it even worse now because she has been lashing out at DH who has done everything to try and build a good relationship with her.

Its easier with my 8yr old as she is just a joy. I really cherish both my girls but I almost want to press FFWD and get through this rough patch.

My mom has been a great friend to me. Always has when I was growing up as she made me her whole life. I had no choice. I was an only child and they were TTC for 7 yrs before I came along. I love my mom with all my heart and I know I put her through some grief. She has always been there for me though and I miss her so much. She lives in Hawaii and I in WA so we havent seen each other for a few years now.

[Peeka]

I have two girls and we had been close. WE have been though some tough times but have made it though. I just found out yesterday that my 17 year old is pregnant. I am very disappointed in her. I know there is not much I can do about it but I never expected this seems she wants to have a career. I am not even sure how to feel as well. But I do love my girls and I am there for them. I do like how we can talk about anything though so that's what I enjoy the most.