Challenging relationship with daughter

[dreamchaser]

I'm about to go and stay with my daughter for almost a month. She knows how to pull my chain and I allow her to get to me too many times. Anyone have any suggestions on how to handle a relationship that has "switched" places? She has not dealt with past issues and that reason influences how she treats me. I feel I have to walk on pins and needles every time I am around her!

Debbie

[spin462002]

Why do you need to stay with her? It sounds like a potentially volatile situation waiting to happen. Have you considered counselling?

If she is abusive to you why are you staying with her?

spin

[dreamchaser]

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She hasn't hit me she's just verbally abuse at times. I am staying with her because my grandson needs someone to stay with him while his mother is in hosptial having the second child. And I live in Tx so I don't have a home near her. Yes, I agree we BOTH need counseling. And should I agree to move back there I would insist on it. [/FONT]

[spin462002]

So your daughter is having another baby? That means she won't be around all day every day? That might make it bearable.
Verbal abuse can be just as painful as physical abuse it's just more insidious and easier to excuse.
Maybe you need firmer boundaries with her, it's never too late.
You could try saying something like "when you speak to me that way it really hurts and upsets me". or "please don't speak to me that way." You have got to let her know it is not ok and you deserve some respect. Of course you are not perfect any more than she is, but she needs to set a good example for her child. After all, you are trying to help her out.
You would not be able to make her go to counselling, you can only get help for yourself in dealing with her behaviour and find out ways to deter her and encourage a healthy relationship with her.
Life is too short to put up with abuse of any kind. You deserve better.

good luck!
spin

[blondgrl]

I would also agree that verbal abuse is still abuse and leaves just as many scars as other types of abuse. It would seem that you truly do need to set distinct boundaries BEFORE you go to stay with your daughter. Things that you will not tolerate and things that you expect to happen. Especially since you have said that she knows "how to pull your chain". I think when we set these boundaries before we actually are in the situation, it really helps. I do admire your willingness to help her in this time as you can put everything behind and try to help her when she needs it, and also to help her child when he needs you. When you are dealing with situations that can esculate, it is helpful at times to use "I" statements when talking to that person to express how you are feeling & to relay your feelings without putting them "on edge" or "on the defense". Such as "I feel very sad when someone talks to me in that way". or "I really would love it if we could be open and set some boundaries on how we talk to each other before my visit, etc" You may also want to speak to a counselor & get some tips / suggestions on how to handle this situation, especially if there is a chance of things esculating between the two of you, in order to find some tools and make a plan to best go about this visit to make it more healthy for the two of you and for the son involved. I wish you the best in this situation and I admire your care and the though you are giving this .

[dreamchaser]

Yes, I agree about verbal abuse. I lived with it during the time her father was alive. I have known for some time that I needed to set boundaries and because of my personality it is difficult at times to assert my feelings. I have read several articles which relate to my situation and I have come to realize that having been abused as a child, I have not been able to set the boundaries in my relationships that needed to be set. I've realized I could have used counseling for quite some time but money for most of my life has always been the factor. My daughter learned very well from how her father treated me and sadly, I've never had the strength to confront her as I should have. As with some other things age is beginning to help push me towards the state of mind that enough is enough!
There are too many things involved in my relationship with my daughter to go into it here. I don't ever want my daughter to use my grandchildren as a pawn to control me but sadly that has happened in the past once. Thank all of you for your advice. It hasn't fallen on deaf ears. I also feel that God is working behind the scenes and with prayers and determination..I will do whatever I can to be there for her.

[dreamchaser]

Unfortunely it's a little to late to get the kind of counseling I need before going. If it does not go well this time I will make sure I will get counseling before ever going to stay again. I'm just asking God to allow me to stay calm and gives me the understanding I need to deal with whatever may come. I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me.

[SouthDakotaSherry]

You cannot control your daughter, but you can try to manage how much she controls you with her words. My mother always feels the need to "put me in my place." I am 45 and until a few years ago, still seeking her approval. I went to a therapist (for the end of my marriage) and we discussed this at great length. Once I accepted that I could only control myself and my reactions to her, she rarely gets under my skin any more. I don't give her that power. I also turn things back on her. I will say things like, "Are you saying ..." She always backtracks and says she didn't mean that and I am taking it wrong. She is starting to show signs of thinking before she speaks to me. Pretty nice!

I will pray for all of you that your month with her will be peaceful and you will finds what you are lacking!

Hugs,
Sherry