How did you break the news of your divorce?

[StartingOver]

Hi all. After 18 1/2 years of marriage, I'm going through a divorce (it's actually very amicable -- we're still in the same house, same bed, share meals and housework -- but it's still happening). How do you tell your family about a divorce when you're still "together" at the moment? And how do you explain to your family that you are still going to be friends? Because he wants to buy a house or condo and I don't want the hassle of removing my name if he purchases it while we're still married, he's not moving out till after the divorce is final (April 3). First I wasn't going to tell my family till after the holidays; then my youngest sister got ovarian cancer so I didn't want to burden everyone; then another sister was involved in a fatality accident (she's recovering); and now there's a big birthday bash coming up for my Mom and I didn't want to taint that with this news. I know there's never a "good" time to tell, but I don't know when to do it! (The good part is, my news will be nothing compared to what my family's been going through this year already!) Any suggestions?

[royallady]

I would wait until april 3rd to be honest. at that point let them know that it was something that was in the works for a while but you did not want to burden them... It is all amical and they need not worry about you. But if it was a bad one you would have called them asap

[AgingGracefully]

This sounds just like me. We were married for 19 1/2 years, and for the most part it had been a good relationship until the last couple of years, when he became involved in some things he shouldn't have and I moved into high gear to support (emotionally) our family. It drained me completely and really caused health problems. We still see each other and he has even attended some functions on my side of the family. I was the one that asked for the divorce, and the hard part was telling my mom. She took it kind of hard, but never critcized and today every one is happy. One piece of advice though. If you are splitting up, keep finances seperate and make sure your divorce decree is clear about things like insurance etc. I actually went online and did our divorce paperwork and filed it myself etc. It saved a lot of money, but that method really only works if it isn't contested. There was no child support or alimony because we just "agreed" to take care of it between ourselves. I got stung though on things like insurance, and he got stung on tax exemptions. I don't think there is ever a great way to let family know, but it sounds as though you have a great family who will support you as well.

[StartingOver]

Royallady: I was wondering if my family would be mad for not telling them sooner, but you raised a good point: telling them that if it was really bad, I would have told them sooner (they don't have to know what I went through as long as I'm ok now, right?!).

AgingG: We do sound similar. I am the "rock" of the family and hate to make someone else worry about me! We did jointly prepare and file the paperwork ourselves (although we both had attorneys check it over). I feel very confident that it was fair (60/40 - I get the house and one car -- both of which are fully paid for). We have no kids, so it's been a little easier; the dog stays with me, so I do have some support at home!

Thanks for the cyber shoulders!

[Jennieb67]

I am glad it is amicable on your end. I would say to go with what you feel is right. We are the beginning of one here but do not know HOW well we wil end up as friends at this point!

[jaycie]

After 18 years together with my ex... things just ended due to differing wants and needs. I actually told my parents that I was thinking of divorce BEFORE I told him! As to your question of how... I just went to my parents house, sat down, started crying, and said... I have to tell you this, and explained what I was feeling and basically just asked for their support -- which they gave. It was especially hard for my mother, because she loved my ex and felt she was losing a son -- but she understood my feelings, my issues, and was there for me. It was very sad, but we made it through. If you're comfortable waiting until April (as royallady suggested), then do so. I'm sure your family will understand. Divorce (for me) was just incredibly sad and it was a very stressful time. 3 years later, I'm a different person, and quite happy. I wish you the best!

[occ_gurl]

I know my mother was angry I hadn't told her I was unhappy in my marriage. We were never that close though, and I didn't feel she was someone I could unload on. Also she was taking care of my dad, who'd had a stroke, and didn't need any additional burdens.

I finally told her after my ex and I were no longer living together. She was very upset, but would have been at any time. There's never a good time, so just go with your gut feelings.

[blondgrl]

Dear Starting Over,
I just wanted to say that I noticed one thing. Are you able to speak to anyone about your feelings about this? Do you have anyone that YOU can vent to and just share you own emotions and feelings with during this time when you are trying to deal with all this by yourself in order to spare everyone's feelings. I admire the way you are looking out for everyone involved as that is a noble way to be, but do you have any outside support nets? Just anyone you can talk to, like a close friend, etc. This has to be so much for you to bear on your own while you are thinking about how this effects everyone else. Your feelings are important too! Hugs to you, you seem like a very caing person.

[StartingOver]

Blondgrl: Wow, you're pretty observant! No, I haven't really deep-talked to anyone about this. I did gripe to an old friend before anything was actually filed, and then to another friend after it was filed. But, I haven't really poured my heart out to anyone at all. (Even my best friend doesn't know about it yet!) I just realized that! I'm the type who keeps everything in, though. It's probably not good for me, but I learned when my Mom first got cancer that if I let everything I can't control affect me then I'd be a total wreck. SO I guess I've learned to just keep on going, no matter what. Thanks for your nice words; you made me re-think my ways . . .! Thanks also to everyone out there who's responded. It really helps!