Childless by Choice

[Beachgirl]

I am childless by choice. I know there must be others like myself out there but I almost never hear about "my kind".

I grew up with a feminist mother and a family that did not put a priority on having children, thankfully no one in my family ever asked "so, when are you having children, or when are you going to make me a grandparent?"

I love children, I just love to give them back.
YET
I love to be around children, probably because I become a child myself and they teach me important lessons about living in the moment, having fun, experiencing the world.:yay":bliss: And I get to be their biggest cheerleader! :cheerlead

So, what's your story?

[Alkentor]

I am a mother of three. You have chosen not to have children. I think we both made choices that were right for us. I wish women were better at supporting each other’s decisions.

I would hate for someone to judge me and I would not do it to someone else. I respect the fact that society or peers have not pressured you into making a choice that isn’t right for you.

Little girls need to grow up knowing there is no right or wrong – they just need to be true to themselves.

[crunchies0313]

I think as long as you are happy you made the right decision! I am dying to have children though, even though there is NO pressure and probably never would be!

[Marian Paroo]

I have also decided not to have children.

My reasons originally were economic, but in time I came to realise that I just do not have the wherewithall to be a parent.

What I really hate is people who tell me "I would have learned in time."

If these advice givers really loved kids, you would think they would have some respect for someone who can admit that they aren't cut out for the job, rather than advocating children as a classroom.

[StartingOver]

I'm childless by choice, too. I never wanted kids and even hated babysitting. My husband had different reasons for not wanting kids, but luckily the result was the same. To tell you the truth, I still don't understand why people want kids. Guess I don't have the "mother" gene! I do have 6 nephews and 2 nieces, and I love to play with them and spoil them (and then give them back, of course!). My old-school grandma was the first family member to tell me it was okay not to want kids, and I was so grateful to her for saying that. I must say that after seeing my 4 sisters with their kids, I have a newfound respect for them!

[LandyBreigh]

I also had the problem of hearing "When are you going to have a baby?" My husband and I decided to have elective sterilization. We decided it was best that I have it done. (health reasons also) A year later I had to have a D and C and a month after that I had a partial hysterctomy. Since we had no plans to have children, I was not upset about the surgery. It is not the sole duty in a woman's life to give birth and raise children. It is our responsibilty to know that the choices we make are important for us. For those of you who have children and love them, I applaud you. You made the right choice. Those of you who dont want them, STICK to your guns. Only you know what it right for you.

[pixiehornet]

All my life I knew I didn't want children. I am an only child so I never really was around children. I always remember wanting to be around the adults. When I would tell people I didn't want children they would say..."you'll change your mind" I never really did. I am 33 years old and I can honestly that I have never felt that "burning desire" for children. I get more of a warm fuzzy feeling when I see puppies than when I see babies. Still...I am getting married this fall and I am starting to consider having at least one (if I can even have children). My husband-to-be knows how I feel about kids so we are going in to this eyes wide open. I feel that he would be a great father and having kids with him has made me reconsider my hardline position. I am just going to remain open to the possibility.

[SouthDakotaSherry]

There seem to be a lot of people that make the choice to not have children. I was one of those that babysat all the time and love my three sons more than life itself. But that choice is not the same for everyone else. We are all individuals and we each have to choose or own path. I hope yours is right for you. Enjoy the children around you and just give them back!

Hugs,
Sherry

[Lapphundlady]

You shouldnt feel guilty about a decision YOU make about YOUR life. We didnt start our family of one until we were married 11 years and the pestering by the parents was just awful. In the end day its your life whether you have kids or not. We only have one and I have now had a hysterectomy and it amazes me when you tell work colleagues this and the next breath they say, when you having another one! Almost like its a given law to have kids. I love my daughter dont get me wrong but i am not out and out maternal and I couldnt have coped with any more emotionally. Good luck to you and the decision is right for you and that is what counts. I leave the kids bit to my sister in law who is now expecting baby number five. So if you love being around kids i am sure she can lend you some one time! :)

[quiltingmare]

My dh and I also decided not to have children. Both of us didn't grow up around young children. My brothers were much older than me so it was almost as if I was an only child. I mostly hung out with the adults then kids my age.
We both agreed that if I don't get pregnant by 35 then it wasn't meant to be and we wouldn't be upset. I'm 37 and it didn't happen. I'm happy it didn't. I don't know if thats being selfish or not, but I wouldn't have had the freedom to do some of the things we did during our marriage if we did have kids. Like traveling on motorcycle to California, around the Great Lakes and to Canada.
I have a niece and nephew that I like spoiling but as some of you have said I like giving them back to the parents though.

[cp705]

I think women do need to support each other and not judge. I am also the mother of three, however, I also like yourself respect a woman's decision not to have children. There are plenty of people who have children and they shouldn't, it's not for everyone. We should not be forced into any role just because of our sex. I am now 44 and have recoved from a full hysterecomy and have such a new appeciation for women. It was women who supported me through that trying time. We can always count on our mothers, sisters and friends to be there and understand.
cp :o

[boristhecat]

I have some old family members on my father's side who never married nor have kids. They choose the single life. I never heard any one in the family tell them they should have kids. There has always been a respect for their decision. Now we have a new young generation of neices and newphews who don't want to get married nor have kids. I guess it runs in the family. None of them are selfish or mean. They are happy and some of the older ones would have made great comedians. They always found something to make us laugh. Because of their decision, they are free to travel and come back and show us pictures of the neat things they have done. Now that my kids are grown, I remarried. My husband's kids are grown too. We look forward to traveling and doing the things we couldn't do before. That includes spoiling the grandkids and sending them home.

[spasmo]

I can relate to what several of you have already written.
I am sort of an only child (my only sister is 16 years older than I am) and since my Mom was 45 when I was born, there were not a lot of kids around. I was used to hanging out with Mom and her friends... not playing with kids. We lived across the country from our relatives and I wasn't around my cousin's children much either. I think the first infant I actually changed was my niece ~ and I was 20!

By the time I got married we were going to school we didn't have the money to have children... not that either of us had a burning desire. I think we were both enjoying the feeling of safety in each other's love. My husband's family was pretty disfunctional and I think that he wanted to be the center of my world and craved the security my love provided. I was enjoying the safety of his love as my secure world was shattered when my Mom died when I was 16. We figured out the perfect relationship for us and worked hard at school. We watched our friends and family have kids and no one seemed to be having as much fun as we were. We love spoiling our nieces and nephews. We also watched people have kids "because it was expected to keep up with the Jones" and then basically treat them like possessions that other people should care for. Watching these experiences made our opinions even stronger... that kids deserve to be PASSIONATLY wanted... FOR LIFE.

I know that I would have been a great Mom had that have happened, I just never felt strongly enough to make that happen. I still took that pill every day. And given my experience loosing a Mom when I was 16, I did have strong feelings (ABOUT WHAT IS RIGHT FOR ME) about how old I could be and become a Mom. And ultimately my body made the decision when I needed the hysterectomy.

Have I ever had second thoughts about this? You bettcha! Do I have regrets now? No. I love my life, and I love my family. I am especially close to one of my nieces (the one whose diapers I changed when I was 20). I think of her as if she was my own. And I AM a dog Mom. Fuzzy puppies make my heart turn to TOTAL mush! I don't care what makes your heart turn to mush as long as something does!

If everyone looked at the world the same way it would be pretty boring and sad. I celebrate our differences.

PS ~ I am known to be the fun Aunt!

[occ_gurl]

I also knew from a very early age I wouldn't have and didn't want kids of my own. I was married for 30 years and luckily that was something we agreed upon and he had a vasectomy before we were married. We were lucky to find a doctor who would perform the surgery at that time since he was only 23.

I too had the pats on the shoulder from relatives saying, "Oh honey. You'll change your mind." I wanted to just blurt out about the big "V" but we kept that quiet for many years.

I love being around kids - prefer them when they can talk and walk. I'm not too into holding tiny babies. I'm happy with my choice and was VERY happy I had no kids to drag through a divorce.

[StartingOver]

It's funny how some of you say puppies give you a warmer feeling than kids. I'm exactly the same way! I'm a German Shepherd "Mom" and when I had to put down one of my "babies" in September I had a really hard time (still do). What was nice was other dog "Moms" who felt the same way I did. I guess family can be more than the traditional "husband and kids." Dogs and friends make a family, too!

[KADAMAY]

I have 2 kids and I'm raising my 16 year old cousin. I love my kids but can't wait til they move out or at least grow up so I can spend time with my husband. We don't really know each other anymore are kids are 12 and 6 so we have awhile it prolly doesn't help that the 6 year old still sleeps with us. So to everyone who decided not to have kids. I applaude your decision and don't let anyone talk you into anything you don't want to do.

[Marian Paroo]

I also knew from a very early age I wouldn't have and didn't want kids of my own. I was married for 30 years and luckily that was something we agreed upon and he had a vasectomy before we were married. We were lucky to find a doctor who would perform the surgery at that time since he was only 23 [...]



I love being around kids - prefer them when they can talk and walk. I'm not too into holding tiny babies. I'm happy with my choice and was VERY happy I had no kids to drag through a divorce.


Your husband's vasectomy reminds me of the old "Rule of 120," used to make it difficult for women to voluntarily get their tubes tied.

I agree with you kids vs tiny babies. I like people that are at the age I can interact with, but baby feet and baby smiles do melt my heart. :signheart

[futurekidnurse]

I just want to tell you that this thread warms my heart. I was unable to have children and often times I question my womanliness(my made up word) because of that. It is so nice to see where other people just make that choice and they have completely content lives. Kudos to you all and never feel bad for the decisions that are yours.

Tally

[Mori]

I didn't decide to remain childless, but I guess it was my fate. I'm glad that people who chose that route are content with their decision with no regrets later in life. It's better than seeing parents who aren't fit for the role bringing innocent unwanted children into the world & abandoning them later.

[Marian Paroo]

futurekidnurse + mori

Glad you found this forum comforting!

[donna6171]

I am the mother of 4 children. I respect everyone's decision to have or not to have children. Each woman has to make that decision based on their feelings and wants. One of my closest friends decided not to have children and I support that. I don't believe that you should have children to make someone a grandparent or aunt or uncle. My daughter (18) said she doesn't want children any time in the future, that if and when she has children she will inform us. I told her I would support her decision any way she goes.

[joyinaz]

There are so many ppl who shouldn't be parents....that is my opinion and I feel when those ppl are forced to be parents they tend to resent it. They don't have the life they wanted. And that isn't fair to them. I wish more ppl would take the steps you guys have taken to be sure they don't have kids. I love mine with all my heart, but I also knew I only wanted one or two maybe. I am blessed with two. But I don't feel that my whole goal in life as a woman was to have a child. Nor should any woman. I really do applaud you for knowing your heart and following through with it.

[spasmo]

If life had brought me children I would have embraced it. But it was not what was meant to be for me. Children deserved to the center of of their parent's heart and I know that I could have been that kind of parent. And that is the only way that I could have been a parent... for me it would have been all or nothing. But my life is rich and I dont have regrets.

[almostthere]

Well I have two children 20 and 16 which I love with all my heart, but looking back I often wonder if I had known beforehand just how hard of a job it is to be a mom if I would have made the same choice. I guess thats why we can't see the future!

[Digitizingqueen]

I have two children and a grnadson, but I eprsonally was "born" to be a mom.... I think as many have psoted not everyone is ment to be a mom and if more poepl lived that dececion we woul dhave a much better world to live in.... I appluad your honesty and feel like it is no ones business but yours!!!!!

Being a parent is a huge responsibility to another human being and it is a life long commitment.... I am very close to my children both of whom are mostly grown (my daughter and husband live close and my son (19) is still at home with mom and dad.....

people need ot get over the whole why havent you or why arnt you having kids it really is non of ther e business I would have to say soemthing like what are you going to help me tend to the 24 hour needs????

I am glad you are fufilled and content and it is a personal choice! :)

[NeNe]

I have two grown boys who I wanted very much. I have a neice that is 40 and never wanted children. We respected her dicision. She has dogs that she considers her children. My son is newly married and his wife wants a baby soon, he wants to wait a few years. I told them to get a dog. That takes care of some of the nurturing part that women feel that they need something to take care of. And dogs are easier than kids. There is alot of responsiblity when you have kids. Life changes drastically.

So if you don't want children, don't have them, just because someone else wants you to have them. Bottom line is, everyone goes home after they go gog gog over kids. You are left with the responsibility of raising them.

[JoBos]

Hi. I'm new here and, when I saw this thread, I knew it was the place for me to start!

I too am childless by choice. Never had kids, never wanted kids. I had a friend who did all sorts of fertility drugs, invitro, etc. in order to have her twin girls. She even spent 3 months flat on her back in the hospital before they were born a month early. No one was happier for her than I was ... even when she started asking me when I was going to have some. Oh brother. :rolleyes:

The gal that posted about liking the puppy more than the baby made me laugh. My sister and hubby had their son about the same time my brother got a new pup. There are all sorts of family photos of that time. Uncle with baby. Grandma with baby. Sibling with baby. Me with puppy.

The breakup between my now-ex (abusive alcoholic) and I was as ugly as they come and I thank God every day there were no children involved in that breakup. And interestingly enough, it was when I went in to have my tubes tied that the surgeon discovered a baseball size, malignant tumor on my ovary. It was, in his exact words, "a serendipitous thing" that I'd decided to have the surgery then.

I've been asked when I'm having kids, have been told "there's still time" for me. I laugh it off, happily. :D

[spasmo]

I think that one of the thing that affected me was when I was young I watched my sister suffer with infertility. Ultimately she did have a baby... my WONDERFUL niece. But I think that it was somehow implanted in my mind that I wanted to avoid the suffering and dissapointment that she went through every month and be happy with whatever life brought me. I love my sister so much and it hurt to watch her in pain. I just saw my wonderful niece at lunch today and I LOVE my role... she is just awesome! I love her like she was my own.

My husband and I both used to work with children before we went back to school. There was one family of kids that we would have LOVED to adopt (they were not up for adoption) because we were very worried about them and they were great kids. I am afraid to know whatever became of them after we moved out of the area.