staying together for the sake of the kids

[lavenderladybug]

Hi-- Just wondering if anyone else in the same boat as I am .
My DH and I have been married for 20 yrs we have 2 daughters 8 and 13. He no longer loves me but we have decided to stay together so we can both continue our relationship with the kids. Also for financial reasons. I need him for health insurance and finances for day to day living. He makes 40 times more than I do( yes 40 times more)
Is this a good enough reason for us to stay together? I am putting my own happiness on hold until my kids are grown and gone.

Anyone else have a similar story to share. You can email me if you'd like or post here.

Thanks so much~~~~~~~ LL

[Sofina]

Dear lavendarladybug,
I'm sorry you're marriage is struggling like this. I hope I can give some encouragement. We went through a time in our marriage when we,especially me, didn't feel any love was left.
We had 3 children at the time and decided the same as you to stay together despite the feelings at that time,plus we had made a commitment not to divorce each other. This was all that kept us together at that point in time.
After we made the choice not to divorce we did work on our relationship. Twenty three years later we are still here and very much in love. I don't think its at all unusual for marriages to go through dry spells where the loving feelings are in short supply or completely gone. I believe from my own experience that they can and will return.
I hope you and your dh won't give up working on your marriage. It is so worth it in the end. When you go through the fire and come out the other side you are stronger and better and closer. I wouldn't trade what I have now for anything. We have a bond that can't be broken.
Do we have days when we are upset and even angry with each other? Absolutely, but it isn't anything that will ever destroy us. We can work through it and move on. I believe that if you want to, you can do the same. Your children are very fortunate to have parents who will stick it out. If they see you have no love, it will still hurt them deeply. I hope you'll do whatever it takes to light the old fires.
Good luck.

[Jojo]

I just posted about my marriage and now I see your post. I do feel that way right now. But I pray it gets better. Sofina's response was great and has given me hope! I pray it cheers you too.

Jojo

[SouthDakotaSherry]

I was married for 17 years. We had three kids and I was staying for the sake of the kids. One day I woke up and realized I was becoming so unhappy and bitter that I wasn't a good person or a good mom any more. The divorce was awful and I often wonder if I should have put my kids through it. It's been a little over 6 years and I have married a wonderful man. I am extremely happy and my kids love my new husband. They rarely see their father (his choice) and the boys think of my DH as their dad. I am lucky in that respect, but I know it doesn't always work out so well. I would love to see everyone's marriage problems work out like Sofina's. Good luck to you. My heart is with you.

Sherry

[butterfly05450]

i think its not good to stay just for your kids. i know you all want your kids to happy and want whats best but sometimes what is best is not being wiht each other. kids can be happy without parents being together. in am proof of that i ahve 3 kids and i raise them all alone and they are very happy, smart children. good luck in your dissucion.

[Kate]

Just to give you a "kid's" perspective on this: I know that my parents' marriage hasn't been the easiest. I know that they have had their differences and at some pointed wanted to give up and still have times when they do. I'm proud to say that my parents have stuck it out and held to their vows that they said almost 30 years ago. As a kid, there is something to be said for that security and stability. I never once questioned if they'd get divorced. It was never mentioned. Sometimes we make choices where we aren't happy, but I think there is something to be said for the vows that we made before God, family and friends. (Now if your husband is abusing you, physically, mentally, cheating, that's a totally thing.)

Anyway, just my opinion from a kid's perspective.

[NeNe]

I was married for 14 years and have two sons. I've been divorced for 15 years and recently married a man I consider my soul mate. My first husband was immature and probably still is. I truly feel that it was the best thing that I had ever done for my sons. They have accomplished way more than if we would have stayed together.

My ex is now married and is living with his ex-girlfriend and his wife. But that's another story.

[SouthDakotaSherry]

NeNe,

Okay, I am curious about your ex! You have to tell the story.

I am glad you found your soulmate. My sons think the world of my husband and are grateful that someone was willing to step up to the plate and actually be their "dad". Thinking about my ex makes me sad for my sons. He was a nice guy but just chooses to not be part of their life. We even moved to within a mile of him to make it easy for him and now he sold his house and is moving across town. I think his new wife has issues.

[blondgrl]

. (Now if your husband is abusing you, physically, mentally, cheating, that's a totally thing.)

Anyway, just my opinion from a kid's perspective.
________________________________________________
Dear LL,
I think that Kate made a good point here. If someone is doing any kind of physical or emotional abuse, that is something that will harm you and your children, you must do something here. But, if that is not the case. I admire your attemps to stick it out in this situation. I was saddened to read your saying that he no longer loves you. Ithink this must be very hard for you to deal with . I really don't have any special advise or knowledge to pass to you, just wanted to say and to remind you that you are a strong woman who also "deserves" to be happy and who is obviously a very caring and supportive mother. Only wanted to send YOU SUPPORT!!!! Lots of encouragement sent your way. Hugs!!!!!!!

[jeannie]

Hi Lavenderlady,

I am in an unhappy marriage too. I have two kids ages 8 & 11. I stay in the marriage for financial reasons and so my kids can have there dad at home with them. I came from divorced parents and it was difficult growing up and I don't want my kids to go through that. I will sacrifice my happiness so that they can have a better life than I would be able to give them as a single parent.

[lavenderladybug]

Hi--- Thanks for all the responses. There really is so much to think about. This is so stressfull---- I am stress eating like crazy. :eek:

My counselor thinks my happiness should come 1st but I think the kids happiness should come 1st. If I didnt have kids we would have split a long time ago. The one thing that keeps standing in my way when I think I want to change things ( split up ) is the finances. We live in a state with a very high cost of living......and my yearly salary is about $6000. :o
Well anyway thanks again for letting me vent alittle.

~~~~~~ LL

[boristhecat]

I grow up in a home with both my parents and 5 siblings.When i was a toddler, my father was told by my mom to sleep in another room. When i was about 9 i heard other kids at school talk about their parents and that they slept together. I was shocked. I thought parents had seperate bedrooms. I asked my teacher about this and she said that alot of couples do that because they don't want to have any more kids so they sleep apart. Well, my father had always had his own bedroom for over 40 years. He passed away in his room. Weeks before he passed away, he told me that my mom kicked him out of her bed and he missed her. He passed away 2 years ago. Just a month ago, my mom told me she had an operation right after i was born so she could not have any kids. I guess the teacher was wrong and i got my answer anyways.My parents were not abusive nor were they abusive with us. Whatever they did, they did for us. They always thought of us first. I loved my dad inspite of how they got along and i miss him dearly. Whatever you decide be careful what you and your spouse do in front of your kids.They didn't show any affection towards each other and it affected me in my choice of my first husband who was abusive. Now i am married to a wonderful man, but it took years of counseling and self healing to prepare myself to find a good mate. God bless you.

[debbie55]

We will do things for our kids we won't do for anyone else. Husband has been gone for 4 months and I wish he was here. He pops in on an occasional sporting event, may give a call every now and then, he just got tired of the responsibility, he does put money in the account but I am here making sure everything is paid, the only thing he pays is his vehicle and the family cell phone bill. Running the house and dealing with my twin boys 17, and found out that daughter that is 19 that got married in Nov is pregnant.....and I am dealing with all this and he is working and staying with his mom....boo hoo for him.

[billsmrs]

Well I can speak from experience here. You have to worry about yourself first. If YOU aren't happy then the kids won't be happy. Sounds silly I know. Like you I wanted to "stay together for the kids" and I can tell you that was not logical for my situation anyway. My ex told me he didn't love me anymore and he was cheating on me and had been for over a year (even when I was pregnant with our second child). He even went so far as to tell me that he didn't want the kids and I fought him tooth and nail to make him pay child support.

THEN I met my current husband. WONDERFUL man. TOTAL opposite of my ex husband. The kids love him like you wouldn't believe. He IS their dad no matter what anyone says.

To top it off.....after I remarried my ex decided that he was not going to pay child support and the kids were cramping his style when he had to come get them so he asked my hubby if he wanted the kids. Without hesistation my husband said YES. He called the attorney the next day and within 3 months the kids were adopted my by husband. Best thing that has EVER happened to those kids. They have a loving dad now and that is so important. Do they miss their biological dad? Nope.

My youngest was just a baby so he doesn't know much about his biological dad and my oldest was just in kindergarten and she harbors some bad feelings towards him. Personally, I don't talk about their biological dad. He was a donor as far as I am concerned. They have the best dad right now and he is active in their life and loves them for who they are and that is great!

[Autumn Moon]

Just to add my :2cents:
If you make life appear normal for your kids' sake and if you do decide to end the relationship/marriage at a later date, it is harder on the kids because they have never seen you "out of love" with each other.
You may be confusing the children by staying together and pretending everything is okay. Can you honestly say that you would like your kids to make that same decision later on in their lives?
Only you and your spouse can make this decision.

Regards,
Autumn

[jeannie]

If you are in an abusive or other destructive relationship You should get out of the marriage. But for women who are not financially able to leave, it might not be better to leave an unhappy marriage. If kids are young, than they might not notice that they've had to move out of their house and into a small apartment because their mother couldn't afford the mortgage. They might not notice that they have to move away from their friends in the neighborhood and possible have to change schools. They might not notice that their mom is no longer there for them when they get off of school, because she's working full time. They might not notice that they don't see their dad everynight when he gets home from work. They might not notice that there's not much food in the pantry as they were use to because their mother can no longer afford to spend much on groceries or other necessities. How is having your children experience such traumatic changes in their life better then staying in a marriage that you may not be happy in, but provides shelter, food, clothing and stability?

[Autumn Moon]

How is having your children experience such traumatic changes in their life better then staying in a marriage that you may not be happy in, but provides shelter, food, clothing and stability?

This is just my :twocents: on this:
I ended an unhappy marriage when DD was 5. I was a SAHM until that day and went searching for a job. She noticed that I wasn't home after school, that she had to go to daycare. She was aware that we couldn't afford things - but she learned the importance of budgeting and how money doesn't always come out of that big machine when you put your card in it. She learned how to experiment with food and from the time she was 12 cooked 2 meals a week (planning, buying and cooking) because I didn't get home from work until 6:00. She learned to do her own laundry. She learned to organize her time. She learned what treats were and the rarety of them made them treats. We never starved, we had a roof over our heads, and she had clothes as she grew. But we didn't have lots of toys, her clothes weren't brand names and we did lots of things that didn't cost a lot of money (walked in the park, played games, did crafts).
She knits and sews. She can cook and do laundry. She has been taught the basic survival skills.
She also didn't have to listen to her parents :argue: all the time

I feel that if I had spent one more moment in that unhappy household that I once called my marriage JUST FOR THE SAKE OF MY DD, I would have come to resent her for it. Even though she didn't make the decision for me, she would have been the reason for it. I wouldn't have been able to pretend that everything was okay and I know for certain that my ex and I could not have lived in the same house and led separate lives.
DD and I had a stable lifestyle. She continued her relationship with her father.

I still feel this is a very personal decision and only you can make the decision for what is best for you and your children.
I am glad that my DD grew up with a happy mom instead of getting lots of treats and stuff.

Again, this is just IMHO.
Autumn

[palmasy2002]

Just my personal experience. My husband and I have been apart since June and the divorce, which was uncontested, will be final March 31st. We have a beautiful well-adjusted 3 year old son together. We were together for a total of a little over nine years, starting in high school. We got married for the wrong reasons: one, because it was expected after over 5 years of dating; two, we were expecting; and three, we loved each other very much. In fact, we still love and care for one another very much. And that is why our separation and divorce has been so cordial. Both of us saw our marriage falling apart and we could only foresee things getting much worse between us. Basically, we bailed before the ship sunk. Now I can already hear some of you recommending counseling, etc.....I am not going to point any fingers, but am just gonna point out that both parties need to be fully invested in making it work in order for it to work. I have had some individual counseling and the two of us saw a counselor for support in ending the marriage cordially and supporting our son through the process. We split the debts down the middle and drafted a parenting agreement together. Right now, Bobby (my little guy) sees Chip every Sunday. once Chip is living independently (right now he is with his parents) Bobby will live with him 1-2 days a week (likely weekends or every other) and with me the rest of the week. I think the big thing with divorcing when you have children is making a decision that it will not get ugly and that you still support one another even if you are not married.

whew.....sorry for the run on...thoughts flying over here.

Oops, got more - I grew up in a household where my parents' marriage was a farce and I remember seeing how unhappy the two of them were even when they tried to hide it. They are still married, even though I have known since I was about eight that they shouldn't be....right? wrong? not my choice to make...to each his/her own.

[Autumn Moon]

I was just going through some of my posts....
Wondered how everyone was doing?

Autumn

[jasper]

Just to add my :2cents:
If you make life appear normal for your kids' sake and if you do decide to end the relationship/marriage at a later date, it is harder on the kids because they have never seen you "out of love" with each other.
You may be confusing the children by staying together and pretending everything is okay. Can you honestly say that you would like your kids to make that same decision later on in their lives?
Only you and your spouse can make this decision.

Regards,
Autumn

I've got to second this from someone who divorced when my children were small. My children adjusted but I often wondered if I made the right decision for them well the answer came MANY years later when they were early teens.
Friends of theirs were dealing with parents divorcing and the kids weren't coping at all ( I know being a teen would have made it worse or those emotions and hormones) but my children actually "thanked" me for not living a lie!!!
I have even had my own friends over the years have their parents divorce as Adults and not cope.
Th best gift you can give you kids is to live your life with an honest heart, I don't believe in just giving up, marriage is hard, ups and downs ( that is normal) not the stereotypical image of the perfect family) but once you've exhausted ALL options giving up isn't a failure.
Remember EVERYTHING our children see when growing up is an example to them.
My parents had a terrible marriage and are still together now, I feel cheated to have to live through that, I swore to never put my own kids through that.

Goodluck, sorry so longer, a topic close to my heart.
I wish you happiness, we ALL deserve it and shouldn't settle for less!!

[reddaisy]

I stayed married to my childrens father for the children also. I finally realized what was driving me insane about my ex was also affecting my children. I divorced him and it was rough for all of us for a while. I am married again and my ex and my new husband get along good and that is also for the sake of the kids. I guess in shorter words, there are all different ways to do things for are children but make sure its a healthly decision for ALL.

[spin462002]

We teach our children about marriage and relationships by the way we choose to live every day. Children see everything.

Like the words of The Police song, "Every single day, every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay
I'll be watching you"

One day we will see our children in relationships/or not, based on what we have shown them.

Our example is paramount to their beliefs about themselves and about what a healthy relationship should look like.

Better to be happily single than miserably married. Financial hardship is preferable to a life long lesson in living in an unhealthy relationship.(we give our children the "life long lesson") Then we get to watch them live it into our old age.

I chose to be single again eight months ago after my husband had betrayed me. I had already had eight years as a single mom of four after my first marriage ended, and had only been married for three and a half years the second time.

The financial challenge is enormous, but my three daughters (23, 21, and 12) know they are not to accept bad treatment and betrayal. They know they have to have self respect and healthy relationships, or none. I know I have done what is in their best interests and mine. It was so hard, but it was right.

One happy single parent mom is worth an unhappily married couple any day!(and if dad chooses to be around, they can have two happy parents, they just won't live together)

You are stronger than you think and you and your children can make it just fine.

Life is short, have no regrets.

Lynn

[Tigger]

I'm in an unhappy marriage, my youngest is now 20 and I still can't seem to make the move. I guess I'm afraid of taking that step, of being on my own.
We fight all the time, I feel no love for him even though he says he loves me and doesn't want us to split. He is so hard to live with. It's very hard to give you a full picture here, it would be a novel :D but there are so many issues and resentments, on my part. and to be perfectly honest I don't like the way I am around him, so for his sake and my own I know we should part ways but how do you take that first step, especially when my husband would fight me on it all the way. It's so hard when it comes to the crunch. My husband also earns a substantial amount of money, whereas I work part time, we do have investments so I would be ok financially but it is all so scary. And I know that sounds extremely selfish but unfortunately it's reality. On the one hand I can't bear to go on like this with all the tension and arguements, my youngest fights with him all the time but on the other hand, change and fear of the unknown leaves me frozen :eek:

[spin462002]

Dear Jasmine, you are not alone. You are on the verge of making a life changing decision that will affect your whole family but mostly it will affect YOU. Scary and challenging and only you can do it. Why do it at all some might ask, why not just stay in your rut, make the most of it, live your own life despite him? Many women do that, but are they really happy? I think not. Is it fair to the man in your life, to your children? Is it honest and respectful? I think not. Is it short changing YOU of a happy fulfilled life being a single woman and knowing you deserve to be happy? YES Ma'am.

Please seek legal advice before you say or do anything towards separating. You need to know what your rights are and what you are entitled to. Many men get very vindictive when women initiate a separation. Don't think your husband won't be like that. He will try and protect what he sees as his hard earned assets and he might even hide some away (if he hasn't already done so). Be wise, get legal advice first up. For your sake, for your children's sake. You don't want another woman benefitting from all your hard work!(and it would only be a matter of time before there was another woman)

I would recommend you try couples counselling if you haven't already. Sometimes an outside person can make suggestions that can be life changing without needing to separate. But that can only be successful if it what both parties want and will work for. Only you know what your situation is.

Life is short, too short to be miserable. Without commitment you cannot continue living this lie. You are stronger than you think, you can do whatever it takes to be happy. You can never change your husband. You cannot make him be anything but who he is. He loves you, so maybe he would commit to counselling if he realised how serious it is? Is your marriage worth saving? Only you know the answer.

Live your best life, watch Oprah and Dr Phil, do what it takes and learn from the past. If I can do it (twice) anyone can!

hugs
Lynn

[Tigger]

Hi Lyn
You are right, life is too short to waste being miserable and I know that only I can make this decision but it's just so hard.

Sometimes I think its all my fault b/c I can be a b@$%#* and maybe if I was nicer he would be too but then I think he is just so irritable and over the top I can't be bothered with it all. There are no easy answers unfortunately. I think maybe we need a trial separation, have a break and look at things in a new light. And you're right I probably should seek legal advice before I do anything

Thanks for your help.

Love Jas x

[GooglGirl]

I am going through the same thing right now. I have been married for 20 years and have 4 children aged 19, 16, 13 and 10.
It is so hard to know what is the right thing. On the one hand you have all the people and your background and your religion/faith and your personal longing telling you to stay together no matter what. They all chatter in your head all day long saying how good and pure marriage is and how lovely the picture looks with a Mummy AND a Daddy sitting around the table holding hands with their family as they say grace and tuck into a home cooked meal every night.
Then on the other hand you have your dreams and your friends who are divorced, or some authors or a sister who has done it, telling you to Seize the Day, claim your own happiness, follow your dreams and leave this man who has hurt you. They say that you will be happier, in control of your life again and that your kids will be happier for it. They say that you deserve it and that you will wonder why you did not do it sooner!
It is so hard to know what to do...I have half done it....by moving out of the main bedroom into a spare room downstairs. It has not really helped much except that I feel more relaxed. But on the other hand, I can feel that he is hurting, and yet somehow I don't seem to be hurting as much....I am a bit numb I guess. That in itself is scary for me....does it mean that maybe I am not in love anymore?
I agonize with you on a very tough decision and I pray that God will reveal himself to you and that you will find peace.
GooglGirl

[Tigger]

GooglGirl

It sounds like you know what you want to do but like me you are scared of making the move, however I've read through one of your other threads and I think you have earned the right to be happy and start again.

Although I'm not in a happy marriage, I guess it's bearable but your situation sounds like it might be a lot more intense. What would you really like to do?
Do you love him? Really love him or just feel sorry for him?
Would you be happier on your own? I think in your situation I would be out of there (given the few details of your thread)

My husband sleeps in the spare room b/c he snores but like you I prefer it.

Funny how its always easier to find solutions for someone else but never take our own advice :rolleyes:

Wishing you happiness
Love Jas x