Separated 3 months ago...

[debbie55]

I had been married for 25 years, had a wonderful celebration on our anniversary, during the summer....I started working full time in August and husband and I just did not pay as much attention to each other as we had before...I was busy with new job, he working alot of hours, daughter starting nursing school, twin boys still in highschool, finances got tight, gas was sky high, alot going on....there was an item that my husband bought and I could not find the item only the receipt and I accused him of someone, he exploded and did the Midlife crisis speech, I've not been happy for a long time, I don't love you, I'm tired of it all, I'm moving out....and he did three days later. Talked a couple of months about just needing to do this, needed time to get throught this, dr. did diagnoise him with mild depression, sit around at mom's, nothing to be thankful for, has nothing, people his age and under dying, he is late 40s. I did the crying and begging thing and then read James Dobson's Tough Love. I have separated my self, don't call, don't have any communications at all. That has been going on for about 3 weeks. Last weekend he showed up where sons were having a sporting event and then took us all to lunch. We he took us back to our vehicle I leaned over to kiss him and he said, "Im not doing this" and then told me not to expect too much. This was a man who was telling me in Dec he was coming home he just needed some time. He was texting some women but he told me they were friends but this was going on before he left home. He had the text feature taken off of his phone the first of Dec. He did this same thing five years ago when I found out I needed a hysterectomy, he was having his friends on the computer, women. He says he just need to talk to some one and it made him feel good to know someone wanted to talk to him and was thinking of him. I am seeing a therapist and she has helped alot. It seems he does not have this problem until I am in some way disconnected to him, like it is my fault and I have driven him to this...does any of this sound familiar to anyone else, anyone have this all happen to them....I have read all of the Midlife crisis material and he has all the signs. Need some input...

[wingriderprincess]

I've often wondered why some people seek out attention from the opposite sex via computer? Is it because on-line, you can be anyone you want to be? Say anything you want to say without consequences or judgement? He must be getting some kind of strange boost to his ego or he wouldn't do it. Sounds like to me he could use some help too. As far as taking the text messaging off of his phone... do you really want to live with someone you have to babysit because you can't trust him? My FIL did similar stuff in my dh's youth. Needless to say, none of his children have an ounce of respect for him and very little for their mother because she has none for herself.

Just something to think about......... :twocents:

[Autumn Moon]

Hi Debbie
I was just wondering how you were doing now....

People, not just men, need to feel wanted and loved at times in their lives when they have no control over what is happening. We all find, at some point in our lives, that we need a change, need to talk to different people, need to be seen in a different light. Unfortunately, this is the point in lives that most people cheat on their spouse, join online chat groups (of all sorts), or just look for something new and exciting.

I am not excusing your ex's behaviour, just saying that there was something underlying his actions.
You admit that you were not spending a lot of time together, with the new job and the kids. Instead of working together on making more time for you to be together, he took the easy road out.
It wasn't totally your fault but I do have to say that something made it partially your fault that he left (again, the new job, no time for him etc).

Sounds like he needs some help in figuring out what he wants out of life. When he shows up at various locations, be civil, be kind, but don't think that you can have him back.

Hugs to you,
Autumn

[debbie55]

I am not sure what you are trying to say, if it was to support me or uplift me you are wrong....you almost seem as though you are one who goes with married men...the last statement...be civil, be kind, but don't think that you can have him back...I don't know what you mean by that but I take offense.

[charliemae]

Debbie, I'm so sorry that you are having marital problems. 25 years is a long time to be married, and I know how hurt you must be. After all, you gave him the best years of your life, and now this is what he does. I have no advice, but I want to let you know that you are in my prayers.

[Zasu]

:grouphug:

Keep doing the things that you are doing. May I suggest that you start thinking about Plan B.....where do you see your life going if he doesn't come back Making some plans for the future will help you if he or you decide that it's over. Also, think about where you want your marriage to be if you let him come back. What do you want out of it? Are you willing to accept that he reaches out to other women instead of to you when he is feeling insecure or down? Cheating is cheating......even if it is with strangers. Right now it seems like he is calling all the shots and is expecting you to sit around and wait for him to decide. It is wrong of him to expect that and it is not healthy for you emotionally to allow yourself to be held prisoner in this way. Start thinking of yourself first and do the things that you need to do to make a good life for yourself and your kids. If you work out your problems (hopefully with a counselor) that's great. If not then you will be well on your way to being prepared for life as a single woman (and that's not a bad thing). Who knows, you might enjoy being able to do what you want, when you want. And maybe you will run into a real, grown up man if that's what you want later. I'm not suggesting that you stop hoping that your marriage will work itself out.....just that you think about what you want and be prepared to take care of YOU if it doesn't. Because, really, he is holding all the cards right now. In the end you might decide that you don't want him back.

[Autumn Moon]

....I started working full time in August and husband and I just did not pay as much attention to each other as we had before...I was busy with new job, he working alot of hours, daughter starting nursing school, twin boys still in highschool, finances got tight, gas was sky high, alot going on....he exploded and did the Midlife crisis speech, I've not been happy for a long time, I don't love you, I'm tired of it all, I'm moving out....and he did three days later. ...... Last weekend he showed up where sons were having a sporting event and then took us all to lunch. We he took us back to our vehicle I leaned over to kiss him and he said, "Im not doing this" and then told me not to expect too much. ....... He says he just need to talk to some one and it made him feel good to know someone wanted to talk to him and was thinking of him. ...... It seems he does not have this problem until I am in some way disconnected to him, like it is my fault and I have driven him to this... Need some input...

You asked for input.
I responded, based on what I read in your post.

My last statement? You wrote in your own post that he told you not to expect too much....

[debbie55]

It was the, and I quote, "but don't think that you can have him back". It was like you had some power to call the shots. Maybe it should have been, live as though he may not come back, or I hope he does come back but if he doesn't you have to look after yourself....Maybe it was just the way you worded it.

[Autumn Moon]

I wouldn't have worded it the way you did. That's not my writing style. I guess I could have worded it "keeping in mind that he told you not to expect too much"
And just for the record, "you almost seem as though you are one who goes with married men" is totally insulting... not just offensive
The only married man I go with it the one that put this ring on my finger.

[GirlyGirl]

Hi Debbie,

Please don't accept the responsibility for your husband's choice to turn to other women to build his self esteem. What he is done is equivalent to an emotional affair. Please remember, you have choices. Do you want to continue a relationship with this man knowing he may do the same thing to your relationship again? I would not make it easy for him...he needs counseling and time to prove himself to you. And...if he won't do his part...I would tell him to 'hit the road.' Life is too short.

[karly99]

First of all I want to say, that the GRASS is NOT GREENER on the OTHER SIDE. If that is what either one of you have in mind. Anyone that has been married that number of years and hit the "mid-life crisis" stage, do need to go straight to get some help. I did not and my husband would not get help. We were married 20 years and been divorced 9 years. I think both of us have been miserable ever since.
There is no knight in shinning armor that is going to come along and make everything better. And for him - no woman is going to be "forever young" (that is typically what they are looking for). It is all nonsense. You have all those years and memories...to share with whom? The next guy or gal - NOT! I suggest you and him FIX IT NOW! I think you will both be in for a world of unpleasant suprises if you don't try.
Karly99

[LuvMaui]

Stories like this scare me.

I don't want to wake up one day and find out that my husband is a stranger and he doesn't think he loves me anymore. Is there anything I can do to prevent that? I don't think so. I cannot control my husbands thoughts or decessions. All I can do is try to be the best wife I can. Just like you did.

Debbie... I don't have words of wisedom for you, since I have never been in your situation. But I do have prayers and hopes that you will stop feeling sad, and be able to move forward and live a happy life.

[Seashell]

Karly, I've never been married, but those sound like wise words.

[karly99]

It is just too easy to walk away this day and time. People just don't try any more. I am not putting blame on one or the other, but it is true! My grandparents were married all their lives, about 80 years, what happened to those days?
I sure as heck miss them!
Karly ;)

[babs30224]

I miss those days too! I thought when I got married It was going to be a lifer. things happen and trust could not be intergrated again...