Fighting Over Funeral Expenses

[Alkentor]

Hello everyone: I have a problem I am embarrassed to talk about, but I truly need some opinions and advice.

My father passed away last month – he died with no life insurance and my mom had no way of paying for the service. I have two older sisters and the four of us (2 sisters, mom, and me) were at the funeral home making decisions on the service. Everything was simple, but nice and there was no overt spending. The funeral director asked how we were planning on paying for the service. It was so quiet in the room – everyone just sat there. The bill was $7,500 (which is good for a funeral). I finally spoke up and said I could give them $2,000 right now. He said that would work and the balance needed to be paid within 30 days.

My mom and sisters bolted from the room and left me to pay. I paid the man and walked out to the car where my sisters and mom were waiting. No one spoke to me on the way back to my mom’s house.

The day after the funeral my husband and my sisters and one of the brothers in law (the other couldn’t make it to the funeral) talked about the costs. We agreed to split the total 3 ways - $2, 5000 each. My husband and I said we would pay the funeral home and then our mom wouldn’t have to worry about getting a bill and my sisters could just pay us their part and could make payments.

My husband and I went to the funeral home and paid the remainder. We gave copies of the paid bill to each sister. My husband spoke to the brother in law who wasn’t there and he agreed to make payments for their part starting in Feb. The other sister said she would use her tax refund to pay us back.

Now of course the point of all of this – each couple now says they won’t pay their share. In fact, they said it was too bad I made such a bad business deal. This isn’t the first time they have left me holding the bag, but each time I think it will be different. I know it is humiliating to argue over the payment of our father’s funeral expenses, but I am tired of this. It wasn’t like we had the money sitting around – we had to make sacrifices to pay the bill and don’t mind doing it, but not for them to agree to something and then walk away. One of my sisters told my mom about all of this, even though we were trying to keep my mom out it. Now my mom feels since I had the money –it should have been my place to pay and not cause any problems for my sisters.

Suggestions, advice, opinions – please. I am mourning my father, but I feel like I have lost my sisters and mothers as well.

Thank you,
Kelly

[QuiltAngel]

Kelly,
:hug:s I am sorry about the loss of oyour father.

From what you write, it sounds like you may be paying for this funeral. You can continue trying to get money from them, but you have to decide at what cost and it seems the cost will be the relationship with your mother and sisters.

Can you be proactive about your mother's future funeral. Can you take her to preplan her services and make payments for it. I know you can prepay funerals by paying the total cost and I wonder if you can prepay by making payments. This would be something to look into and to have your mother do at this time.

If this has happened before, I would be rather leary of lending them money or helping them in the future.

:hug:s

[jasper]

Oh Kelly, I am sorry for the loss of your father and that you are in this situation.
I have a similar experience.
My father in law passed away 15 years ago, leaving quite a few credit card debts and his funeral expenses. My DH has 2 sisters ( both home owners, husbands, jobs etc) Anyhow my DH just wanted to get everything paid and to spare him mum any more stress. Never once did his sisters offer anything towards the expenses.
5 years after his mum passed, we paid these expenses but it was mentioned this time that my dh would be paid back from the sale of his mum's home. What really upset us was that not only did his younger sister want her mum's car ( which was agreed that she should have it as she was recently seperated) but she also wanted an extra $2000 as she had lent her mum money which was never returned. Never once did we bring up the money my DH and paid for his dad, we didn't think it was appropriate.
The short and long of it is you can go 2 ways, make an issue of it or put it down to a loss, we chose to cop the loss for the sake of DH's parents memory. We look at it that if that is how much his sisters think of it well it's pretty sad and unfair, but it's one of those things were the serenity to accept things or people we can't change.
Again my sympathy goes out to you, it does leave a bad taste when hose we love treat us badly
:hug:
Wendy

[Hope]

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. It's never easy losing a loved one. Also, I am sorry that your sisters are not living up to their promise to help pay for the funeral. It's only been a month, and they may change their minds. Although, from your post, it sounds like that is questionable.
I completely agree with Quiltangel about pre-planning for your mom. We ran into a problem when my mom was admitted to a nursing home, and my parents had not made any decisions or plans for burial. It caused many heated discussions with my dad since he was in denial. In the end, we were able to get him to a funeral home under protest to discuss pre-planning. It
was expensive, and my dad would not commit to anything. We
found another funeral home whose expenses were thousands of dollars cheaper. He finally pre-paid the funeral home for both of them, and he bought two burial plots.
For pre-planning, you can usually go on the payment plan for a period of time. We found it easier emotionally and less costly
by pre-planning and researching costs.
It's unfortunate that you must deal with the loss of your father and family disagreements about the expense. I hope that somehow you are able to find peace about this situation.