One of the things that is the hardest, when you're dealing with a child who's "different" is that it often means the end of your dreams. When parents are expecting, they have this image of what the child will be. Unless a disability is identified during pregnancy, that image almost always involves a healthy, socially functioning child. It almost never involves a child who cannot adapt to society.
Dealing with the grief and finding strength in others
Dealing with the loss of a dream always involves a grieving process. This is also the case when your child is different than the one you expected. In our case, it was doubly difficult as we were also dealing with an extremely intelligent child and had such hopes for him. Through years of tribulation, hardship, self-doubt and always recurring grief, we finally found out that our son has Pervasive Development Syndrome (PDD) and has schizophrenic behaviors. He was almost 13 by the time this diagnosis was delivered.
The phases of grieving include denial, anger, sadness and, eventually, acceptance. There will also be the need to find others who are dealing with similar issues. Forming support groups is often the best therapy.
It is often hard to find others. For example, some school systems forbids school authorities from disclosing the identity of children requiring special education accommodations. This includes not allowing school representatives of special committees from communicating with the parents of children who benefit from the systems. It also compounds the general feeling that this is something that needs to be hidden, that it’s all your fault, that it’s something shameful.
There are venues for finding others: find out who is the representative for your school and discuss issues with this parent. Chances are that you’ll find out that, regardless of the nature of the child’s problems, you are both dealing with some of the same issues.
Do not hide the problem, talk about it. Talking about it is an opportunity to vent, to unexpectedly find others dealing with the same issues, to advocate for your child and other children facing similar problems. It is also a wonderful opportunity to raise awareness about issues that are facing children with special needs and their parents.
Dealing with parents of “normal” children
It is so hard to cope when others are praising the achievements of their children. How do you react when a parent tells you their child, either the same age as yours or younger, is excelling at something your child will never be able to do? How do handle it when a parent wonders why your child is misbehaving in public while theirs is the regular little angel? How do you survive parent night? There are ways to achieve the balance you will need to overcome these hurdles.
First, accept your child’s limitations and do not blame your child for not succeeding where others can. It’s also important to notice your child’s accomplishments and to tell others that you are proud of these. What matters is recognizing the efforts that went into accomplishing these tasks and to ensure that your child is thriving and happy.
Dealing with siblings
A child with learning disabilities can be very demanding of his parent’s time. Dealing with constant calls from school, struggling with home works, juggling doctors’ appointments can all lead to a sense of being overwhelmed. It can also lead to having less time for the child’s siblings.
The siblings of a child with learning disabilities may be jealous of that child. This child may act up in order to get his or her parent’s attention. The younger sister or brother may also copy the older child’s behavior, leading the parents to wonder if their younger child has the same problems. The older sibling may develop protective attitudes towards his little brother, acting as a surrogate parent. The child with problems could be jealous of the sibling who is succeeding where he is failing. Regardless of the behavior patterns, it may develop into an awkward situation for all involved.
One thing that has worked for some families has been to have activities with both children, adapted to their abilities and interests. Ensuring that each parent spends time with both children, separately or together also works. Encouraging both children to find activities that they enjoy doing together is very important.
Dealing with teachers and the school system
Unless your child qualifies for a specialized program, chances are you will be dealing with a school system that is not necessarily equipped to meet your child’s requirements.
It sometimes mean dealing with repeated phone calls from overwhelmed teachers; it may mean facing teachers who are expecting more than your child can produce; it may mean feeling isolated and overwhelmed. It may mean educating teachers and school administrations and advocating for your child’s rights.
It may be a wonderful opportunity to find out the most you can about the issues your child is dealing with. Since information is power, it will result in empowering yourself with the skills you will need to cope and helping to empower your school system in order to ensure that children with similar issues obtain appropriate services.
Dealing with your child
Dealing with a learning disabled child can be very demanding, overwhelming and frustrating. Through all the phone calls, doctors’ appointments and appointments with school authorities you may doubt your love for your child.
One thing that can help is to list all the things that you love about your child. It can range from recognizing your child’s achievements to just acknowledging that your child is a loving, caring, wonderful child. Writing it down and referring to it those times when you feel too flustered to cope may save your relationship with this child.
The following links may help you find the resources needed:
http://www.ldonline.org/
http://www.allkindsofminds.org/
http://www.specialkids1.com/
The author, Dany, lives in Canada with her family.
