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By Lindsey Meier
Outlaws Versus In-laws
You didn't marry your husband because you loved his parents. Most likely, you found them to be nice people with whom you wouldn't mind spending the holidays, and thought would make good grandparents. Things probably started off well enough. However, unless everyone is extraordinarily amiable always without exception, relations can sometimes become strained, and nobody wants that! Staying on good terms with your husband's family, and helping him to do likewise with yours requires you to become a diplomat of peace.
Peace Propaganda
Whether you have become best friends or bitter enemies, sending messages of goodwill is great for relational politics. Even if you don't send them to anyone else, go ahead and send your mother-in-law a thank you note for everything she gives you or your kids. Help the children to make grandma and grandpa pictures and gifts for no special reason. For your secret arsenal, bake something special and stick it in the freezer to have handy for impromptu gatherings with your husband's family. When you make them angry, send flowers. If you aren't feeling kindly towards them, peace offerings are a great way to help yourself overcome the urge to hold a grudge.
Undisclosed Expectations
Most often, disagreements spring from failed expectations. Your in-laws may have secretly expected your family to spend more time visiting, live close by, and follow their advice to the letter. You may have expected to be treated as an equal, to become good friends, or maybe just to be left alone. Perhaps they expected you or their son to make more money, get a certain degree, have more or less children, or otherwise do things differently. Many couples talk about their expectations before they marry, especially if they attend premarital counseling, but seldom are the expectations of their parents discussed in depth. Perhaps your dad talked to your husband about what he expected, but probably no one disclosed their expectations for your life.
Recognizing what each person's expectations are makes it easier to be understanding when someone becomes upset for what seems to be no good reason. When you feel that someone is behaving terribly, you may be more able to forgive them when you understand that some of the desires they had for their children are not being met. You may discover that you can let go of some of your own expectations and begin to accept people and situations the way they are.
Learn Their Rules of Engagement
Different people and different families have different communication and conflict resolution styles. Some folks battle until the war is settled, while others hide their feelings and pretend that nothing happened. Understanding how your husband and his family tend to resolve conflict will help you to cope with disagreements. If you tend to talk things out and want to arrive at a mutually agreeable solution, and they just seem to ignore the issue and not talk to your family for a few weeks until they suddenly appear to have forgotten that anything was ever wrong, you may feel that things are still not settled. As unnatural as their resolution style may feel to you, don't let a difference in styles keep you from moving on towards a peaceful relationship.
Be An Ambassador of Love
Even if your in-laws are doing something that you believe is morally wrong, or are completely set against you, you can still be loving towards them. Remember that without them your husband's life would not have been possible. Give them credit for the good they have done. When your husband is frustrated with either of your parents or siblings, sympathize with him, but also remind your husband and yourself how special they are as family. Respect and love them for who they are, and enjoy the peace of a loving heart and home.
Lindsey Meier lives in Texas with the love of her life and their two children. Between diaper changing and dish-washing she enjoys writing, reading and art. Lindsey and her husband aim to live productively and purposefully but don't mind having a little fun along the way.
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