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by Lee Ann Sontheimer Murphy
When Beth* married, she expected to find a warm welcome in her new husband’s family. Her efforts to get acquainted with her new mother-in-law were difficult but she didn’t realize how poor the relationship was until her first Christmas with her husband’s family.
At a large gathering, Beth watched as gifts were distributed. Although everyone got one or more, she received none. When her husband noticed, he asked his mother who explained.
“I already gave Beth hers – I gave her one of my quilts.”
Beth remembers that her heart sank. The quilt had been given to her during the summer, soon after her wedding. She wanted to cry but she said nothing.
“I was hurt.” Beth recalls. “I didn’t feel like I was part of the family at all. I had suspected that my new mother-in-law didn’t like me but I didn’t know for sure until that Christmas. I wish I could say that our relationship has improved over the last fifteen years but it hasn’t.”
How to Have a Healthy Relationship with In-laws
Beth’s relationship with her mother-in-law remains poor because it lacks the three elements that define a healthy relationship: respect, validation, and acceptance.
In healthy in-law interactions, parents-in-law will begin with respect for the person their child chooses as a mate. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they like the individual but that they do respect them. Validation is approval. It’s recognition that their child has the right to have a spouse of their choice. Last, approval is equally important. Approval is the acceptance of someone into the family, not just as a spouse but as a parent to grandchildren and interaction in other roles (aunt, uncle, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, grandchild-in-law).
In a perfect world, all relationships would work without fail but many don’t. Mother-in-law jokes are a standard among comedians and recent movies such as Monster-In-Law, Meet The Parents, and the aptly named remake of an earlier film, The In-Laws make light of often difficult relationships. There is nothing amusing, however, when in-law troubles threaten a marriage or a parent/child relationship.
Dealing with Difficult Relationships
For those who have less-than-perfect interaction with parents-in-law, there is hope. The first thing a couple with in-law problems must do is stay united. Spouses must have their first loyalty; their strongest commitment must be to one another. Some in-laws make a mistake when they expect their adult child to “take sides” with them against a spouse. This creates an awkward position where someone is forced to choose between parents and spouse.
Instead, couples should support each other. Refuse to listen to criticisms of a spouse. Parents-in-law should remember that their child and his/her spouse are adults. Even if a couple makes choices that the parents don’t agree with, parents should respect the right to make it. If a wife chooses to stay home or to work, if the couple plans to move to another city, or delay having children, it is their decision. And, if parents-in-law feel that they must speak up about their opinion, it should be done in the presence of both spouses. Issues should be addressed and handled early, not left to brood over for years.
Remember that emotionally healthy parents should support adult children in their marriages and committed relationships. They should offer respect and validation. If this fails to happen, remember that primary responsibility should be to the spouse.
Avoid having a relationship with parents that excludes your mate. Don’t gripe about a spouse to parents and refuse to listen to criticisms about that spouse from Mom and Dad. Reaffirm the choice of the individual as a life partner. Suggest open communication about issues or objectionable behavior but preserve civility.
If parents of either spouse remain hostile to their child’s mate and feelings are often hurt, reduce the amount of contact. Avoid cutting off all contact because this can be very harmful to everyone involved but limit contact to special occasions or holidays if a parent-in-law verbally abuses your spouse on weekly visits or in phone calls.
If contact is limited, explain why to the parents-in-law. In many cases, in-laws will realize that they are open to change to preserve important relationships. Spouses should both work toward a healthy, happy relationship with parents-in-law on their terms. Offer the same respect, approval, and validation each spouse craves.
The same rules apply if it is a son-in-law or daughter-in-law that causes dissention or disharmony within the family circle. Remain united, be loyal to spouse first, parents second, and refuse to validate improper behaviors by limiting interaction.
Remember Three Things: Respect, Validation, Approval
Strive to work together to create a solid family base for both spouses and for any children. Healthy relationships are enriching, endearing, and eternal. Relationships are created when whole individuals strive to find common ground and offer the three things necessary to any valid relationship – respect, validation, and approval.
These three things are the keys to in-law insights that can change your life for the better.
*This name was changed at the request of the individual to protect privacy.
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