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by Lee Ann Sontheimer Murphy
Life expectancy is longer than ever before. Increasing numbers of Americans delay marriage and parenthood until a later age. More children remain in the family home through college or return as adults for economic reasons. These factors combine to create a generation that nationally syndicated columnist Carol Abaya, MA dubbed The Sandwich Generation TM. Those who fall into this category are adults caught in the middle between raising their children and providing support, sometimes even care for aging parents.
Defining Moms in the Middle
Most sandwich generation members are now in their thirties and forties. About a quarter of all Americans are part of this generation and 3 in 10 are women. Eight of those ten women who provide care to both the older and the younger generation also hold down a full-time job which complicates an already stressful, tiring situation.
Some members of this so-called sandwich generation parent toddlers while providing a support system for elderly parents while others struggle to provide tuition for college age children who still live at home. Being caught in the middle – between two slices of life – is far from easy. It requires patience, strength, and balance.
Anna*, a caregiver in coastal Mississippi, describes her feelings as part of a sandwich generation with these words, “Some days I don’t know if I’m the bologna in the middle or the soggy slice of bread at the bottom.” A full time nursing student, Robin provides support and care for her grandparents, both in their eighties. She takes them to appointments, therapy sessions, and handles all their medications. Her brother takes them shopping as needed. As a true member of what Carol Abaya termed “the sandwich generation”, Robin also cares for her daughter who suffers from a joint disease.
Moms like Robin find balancing two generations around their life is stressful and difficult. To survive as a multi-generational caregiver requires a plan and some ground rules.
Sandwich Generation Survival Rules
First, if parents or grandparents live-in, there must be house rules. Set boundaries and stay within them. If at all possible, make sure elders have a room of their own. Assign everyone specific responsibilities or tasks. An elderly parent or grandparent who is unable to do household tasks may still be available to listen to an elementary child read an assignment aloud or answer a phone.
Second, respect privacy. Each individual requires some measure of privacy. Both the caregiver and the family member who requires assistance need privacy. Seek and find it. Again, it’s very important that family members have a room of their room. Don’t bunk parents in with children.
Preserve dignity as much as possible. Let adult family members do as much as they are capable of doing. Encourage elderly people to dress daily and to participate in life as much as possible. If physical conditions allow, suggest walks or trips to the nearby senior citizens center to interact with peers. Encourage a hobby – collecting something such as stamps or coins, reading, or light gardening.
Never neglect self. Caregivers often leave little room for themselves. Privacy and private time are vital. So are things that help boost self-esteem and image. Take time to keep hair cuts trimmed and attractive. Make dates with friends for lunch or a movie. Remain active in a social club or organization. Leave blocks of “me time” in an appointment book.
Remember that caring for an elderly parent or grandparent is the responsibility of the entire family. Enlist the help of siblings and share chores. Ask a sibling to take Mom or Dad to a doctor’s appointment or on a weekly shopping trip. Even out of town relatives can provide emotional or financial support so ask.
Utilize available community services. Many communities offer programs that allow nurses and other care givers to make daily or weekly visits. If the budget allows, hire an assistant, nurse, or an aid to help bear the responsibility.
Explore every option available that can help. Working caregivers can check into Elder Care, an adult version of day care available in many areas. Involve the entire, extended family even those who live far away. Ask for support in the form of phone calls, letters, or visits.
Most of all urge family members who need care to remain an individual. Even those with physical health issues can keep an alert mind and remain an active part of the family. Alzheimer patients or others with memory or mental issues can still enjoy a walk through the neighborhood, viewing a school program, or strolling through the mall.
Succeed and Survive
The middle position is often an uncomfortable place to be. When mom – or another family member – is caught between the older generation and her children, she needs patience, personal time, and a plan. With all of these, the generation dubbed “the sandwich generation” can succeed and survive.
*This name was changed to protect the privacy of the interviewee.
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